There’s messy and then there’s James Kennedy.
Full disclosure: I’ve seen maybe one or two episodes ofVanderpump Rules.
I was more aReal Housewivesfan.
‘Vanderpump Rules’ reunion.Nicole Weingart/Bravo
Dubiously wealthy older women throwing shade and drinks at each other in the tackiest homes you’ve ever seen.
We weren’t gonna get a “Who gon' check me, boo?”
or a “Close your legs to married men, trashbox” from these kids.
‘Vanderpump Rules’ reunion part 1.Nicole Weingart/Bravo
Names that mean literally nothing to me.
But after watching part one of the reunion, I may be a fan.
This is what Roman emperors must have felt like watching gladiators kill for their amusement.
‘Vanderpump Rules’ reunion, Part 1.Nicole Weingart/Bravo
Am I not entertained?
Now, I’ve seen my fair share of Bravo reunions.
Tom Sandoval as sad mustachioed man in unflattering cardigan.
And Raquel (nee Rachel?)
Leviss as not allowed on the reunion set because ofa restraining order from Scheana Shay.
Then the real work begins.
Cohen asks Sandoval when he and Raquel/Rachel first hooked up.
It was five days after the cast filmed at the Mondrian Hotel in August 2022.
Cohen then asks him the most useless question you could ask a cheating man: Why?
This is where Sandoval shows his cards.
Dialogue cards, because his response is clearly scripted.
Wait, you mean to tell me this all isn’t 100 percent on the level?
That reality TV isn’t… reality?
How will I trust again?
And that’s even before we get to the main stage.
“Well, he looks like s—,” Ariana says about Tom.
And, to be fair, he does.
As soon as Sandoval starts fake-crying, he gets yelled down by the majority of the cast.
He’s a live one.
Not 20 minutes into the reunion and Andy has to physically restrain James from going after Tom.
I will f— you up!"
James is just hurt, though.
He says he and Tom were like brothers a claim at which Sandoval openly balks.
James and Raquel were engaged?
This just keeps getting messier and messier.
And I kept getting more and more invested.
Cut to Tom’s earlier solo interview with Cohen when Tom says he told Schwartz in mid-to-late January.
“Did you guys not put your timelines together to match?”
Lala taunts from the sidelines.
Cohen then makes a play for reason (good luck!)
How is that not hypocritical?"
Something about $200,000.
Ariana’s jilted all the way to the bank.
