It’s probably for the best, rose lovers.
Or, you know, just tears.
Emotions have no gender, Jesse Palmer.
Jesse Palmer hits the beach on ‘Bachelor in Paradise.'.ABC
Come on out,Hunter!
Because Hunter, 29, has IBS?
Which we learned on Clayton’s season ofThe Bachelorwhen Marlena revealed it duringa group date roast?
Brandon is back in Mexico.ABC
My real-time reaction to this went something like:GASP!
No, Hunter, no!
I can’t believe they asked her to do that, that’s f—ed up.
Her alma matter must be so proud.ABC
I can’t believe she said yes.
That is EXTREMELY f—ed up.
Girl, is beefing up your follower count worth such depths of self-degradation?
Genevieve glams up.ABC
This g-d show is going to be the death of me.
Two-fisting margaritas in theParadisepool seems way more his speed.
Next up isSerene, 27, the sweet schoolteacher from Clayton’s season.
You better work, Justin.ABC
Romance isnotthe goal forKira, however.
Jacob is a mortgage broker who really enjoys being shirtless.
Cut to:
Oh hey,Genevieve.
Jill’s here, y’all.ABC
This 26-year-old has 200 bathing suits and her eye onJustinfromKatie’s season.
You know what that means, rose lovers.
hey welcome…
Oh ffs.
Sigh.ABC
In a shocking coincidence, Shanae, 30,alsowants to meet Justin from Katie’s season.
Welp, let’s get the rivalry started.
Come on in, Justin!
Andrew’s toe.ABC
“I’ve got a feeling my wife is on this beach,” says the 27-year-old meme master.
“I’ve been working on my Espanol.”
(Unfortunately, Justin also thinks “Mexican” is a language.
Welcome, old man.ABC
God doesn’t give with both hands, people.)
Our next contestant is…
Hi, Jill!
Wow, we’re now up to six women from Clayton’s season.
Blech.ABC
Perhaps she’ll settle for arealdaddy?
It gives me no pleasure to introduce our next Paradisian,Michael, 38, from Katie’s season.
“He said, ‘Dad, I miss [mom] too, but everybody needs somebody.’
Shanae hits the beach.ABC
Since Laura passed, he wants a mother figure.”
And what better place to find one thanF***tub Island?
Good luck, buddy.
Genevieve and Justin.ABC
Okay, enough with the intro packages.
The beach is open.
She’s followed by Michael and thenAndrew, 27, from Katie’s season.
Welcome back, Lace!.ABC
Genevieve, Johnny, andTeddi, 25, from Clayton’s season (number 7!)
emerge down the stairs next.
Immediately, Andrew is smitten.
Brandon and Serene get to know each other.ABC
And when Andrew says he’s got “something special” to show Teddi, he’s not lying.
On the one hand, Teddi appreciates the effort.
On the other hand… blech.
Romeo is bummed.ABC
“I love the smiley face,” says Teddi.
“But his feet look like they’ve been through some hard times.”
Still, she says, “It’s not a dealbreaker.”
Wells leads a toast.ABC
Don’t worry, Andrew, this next contestant also probably has gross feet.
I really don’t remember much aboutCaseyfrom Michelle’s season and apparently, I’m not alone.
“I feel like a little bit of a lesser-known person from the show,” admits Casey.
Genevieve and Justin.ABC
“But if I’m going to find love, there’s no better place to find it.”
Agree to disagree, sir.
And she’s already pre-gaming!
Good job on the arts and crafts, Bachelor Interns.ABC
Could you spare some alcohol, Sierra?
Because this next intro might just drive me to drink.
As a viewer, I absolutely did not consent to this.
Moping in Mexico.ABC
“Look at his lil’ buns!”
says Andrew, cackling.
“I’m too old for this,” sighs Michael.
The fear in his eyes is palpable.ABC
In case you’re keeping count, we’re now up to nine women from Clayton’s season.
(“It’s Clayton’s island!”
And we’re about to make it an even 10: Shanae’s here!
Romeo and Jill.ABC
That’s your cue, Justin!
And look, he and Genevieve are already getting along famously.
Meanwhile, Shanae and Jacob are getting to know each other on the daybed.
Of course she’s not.ABC
“I’m a funny, crazy dude,” says Tarzan.
“I want somebody who’s also funny and crazy.”
Within a few minutes, the flirting turns to cuddling, and then the cuddling turns to smooching.
Kira gets to the point.ABC
Did I shout, “Ewwww!”
at my screen like an 11-year-old girl?
Yes, yes I did.
Welcome back, Victoria.ABC
Come on, guys.
You’ve been there 45 minutes.
Take it down a notch.
“Is she, like, with us?”
Girl, come on.
Like… you’re done here."
Pretty rich coming from a woman who made absolutely zero impression on her season, but whatevs.
And Brandon is a man on a mission.
“I’m nervous as hell to talk to you right now,” admits Brandon.
They both giggle and give each other goo-goo eyes, and before you know it…
FFS!
Is this how the youth of today say hello?
By smooshing their faces together within a few minutes of meeting?
Pardon me while I clutch my pearls, rose lovers.
The other women of Paradise, however, are transfixed.
“I have a feeling they’re meant to be together,” says Lace.
Romeo, 32, from Michelle’s season comes down the stairs next, much to Jill’s delight.
(They went to school together.)
And wouldn’t you know it, Kira shows up next and sits down next to Romeo.
Even worse, she takes Jill’s drink!
Understandably annoyed, Jill gets up and walks away.
“She seems salty,” sneers Kira, while Romeo sits there helplessly.
We’ll soon learn that this isn’t the first time Kira and Jill have clashed over men.
“Kira and I were good friends,” says Jill.
“But she’s always gone after guys that I’ve liked.
And now she steals my drink!”
Well, how about that, it looks like the arrivals are over for today.
Palmer invites the contestants to join him in the rose palapa for a kickoff address.
“You’re all here because you’re looking for a second shot at love,” he says.
“It’s pretty simple: Find love, or you will be sent home.”
Dude, you call that a pep talk?
and wonders aloud, “Which of you is the next Joe and Serena?”
Romeo, put your hand down.
That was a rhetorical question!
Oh hey, Wells.
He chooses Teddi for the one-on-one, and they head off to dinner hand-in-hand.
Once there, though, Andrew is so nervous he can barely string two words together.
Fortunately, Teddi, like most women, is an expert at filling awkward silences.
“I’m so nervous,” Andrew admits.
“I’m never like this!”
Back on the beach, Justin leads Genevieve through the crab-covered beach to a secluded daybed.
Though their earlier conversation was pretty awkward (“They make sea unicorns?
(Uh, what?)
Justin decides to make it very clear by planting one on her, and she LOVES it.
“Justin’s a great kisser,” she gushes.
“And I’m picky about kissing, too.”
I wonder how things are going with Andrew and Teddi?
Sorry, let me back up a few minutes.
Awwww, these two are pretty cute together.
The coupling up is going well at Paradise HQ, too.
Even those contestants who aren’t making “connections” are having a good time except for Lace.
“This is the most boring season I’ve ever seen in my life,” she grumbles.
“I feel like I’m the prettiest I’ve been, ever.
How am I not being pursued?
It blows my mind!”
She agrees and begins to tell everyone at the bar that it’s her birthday.
(It’s not.)
“Interesting,” he mumbles, looking over his shoulder for an escape route.
He then accidentally (or intentionally?)
calls her by the wrong name “Luce” instead of “Lace” and she starts spiraling.
“I just spent all this time talking to you and you call me Luce?”
“You didn’t even know my name?”
Logan apologizes, but now hedefinitelywants to get as far away from Lace as possible.
I think we can do better!
Apply to be on the next season ofThe Bachelor.”
Eventually, Lace semi-peer pressures Casey into giving her a chaste peck on the lips… so, congrats?
Interestingly enough, Sierra and Michael seem to be hitting it off.
“I can handle the tasks and the energy,” he says.
I will not get teary watchingBachelor in Paradise.
Not going to happen.
“Sierra is beautiful,” says Michael, stating the obvious.
“She has a presence to her that’s like intoxicating and contagious.
We’re just comfortable next to each other.
It’s almost like we’ve known each other for years.”
“I do miss that friendship.”
Romeo is clearly a little uncomfortable addressing the Kira issue, so Jill offers some gentle encouragement.
“We’ve gotta communicate!”
Holy cow, solid relationship advice?
I never thought I’d see the day.)
This emboldens Romeo to get right to the point.
“I like you; I’ve always liked you,” he says.
“And I don’t like that this has interfered with that.
I don’t have a connection with Kira, and I, uh…
I want to move on and just have a clean slate.”
Jill likes what she’s hearing, but she wants Romeo to step up his romance game.
“I want to see more action from you,” she explains.
“I just felt like all today you were avoiding the f— out of me.”
Well, that’s all sorted.
What could possibly go wrong?
Oh, of course.
Romeo does his best to let Kira down firmly but gently.
“If you could let me pursue Jill in peace, that’d be great.”
Someone give that man a round of applause!
Kira does NOT love what Romeo has to say.
She stares at him coolly for a minute and then lets out a sigh.
Of course, underneath that calm exterior is a pissed off Paradisian just itching for a fight.
“I didn’t do anything to deserve this,” fumes Kira in her confessional.
“I thought we were a good match…
I was counting on his rose, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to get that.
I just got played, and I hate that.
And I hate them.”
She stomps off to go find Jill and confront her.
Jill explains that her problem is that Kira keeps intentionally butting in when she’s talking to Romeo.
They argue back and forth as the other contestants openly eavesdrop from the bar and the beach.
“I feel very disrespected by you,” huffs Kira.
“You’ve been slut-shaming me!”
Jill is very taken aback by this out-of-nowhere accusation, and she runs sobbing into Brandon’s arms.
The music begins to swell, and Kira heads to the bar for some shots.
“If anything, the Romeo and Jill situation, those were my shackles,” she declares.
“And now they’re off, and I’m free to, like, really enjoy Paradise.”
(By that she means trying to talk Casey into heading to the Boom Boom Room.)
Okay, girl, enjoy but like enjoy responsibly.
The next morning, no one looks too hung over as they gather in the dining palapa for breakfast.
And possibly a fresh face?
I practically didn’t recognize her from Peter’s season.
It should go without saying that Victoria is coming in with her sights set on Justin.
But we’ll have to wait until next week to see how Genevieve handles this totally expected unexpected twist.
That was a lot to take in, and it’s only the first episode.
Next week,BiPwill air on Monday and Tuesday, thereby making four precious hours of our life disappear.
Are you going to stay on this “journey,” rose lovers?
And how old were you when you had your first colonoscopy?
Post your thoughts below!
