A solid couple breaks up, while Genevieve finds herself torn between Justin and Aaron.
This show is giving me whiplash, rose lovers.
Last week, Michael A. was my favorite Paradisian.
But seriously, who’s watching their kid?.ABC
Oh God, Jared and Ashley are in the intro now?
Yes, even for one-off guest spots.
The “veterans come to share their sage advice” stuff was and always will be boring filler.
Jill speaks for us all.ABC
Jill asks him to take a seat and gently breaks the news.
“Teddi, she left,” she explains.
“She ended things with Andrew and then she left.”
ABC
Our sweet angel baby Rodney is disappointed.
“Um, wow,” he says.
“This is crazy.”
Genevieve scolds Justin.ABC
It’s after midnight and he’s got a date card but no one to use it on.
“I’m telling you, you are the hottest commodity to hit this sand,” insists Brandon.
Rather than using his date card, Rodney sensibly decides to stick around and chat with all the women.
Genevieve and Justin.ABC
Jill, who is definitely “open” for Rodney’s business, is positively giddy.
Pretty soon, Rodney’s turned the mood around from morose to mirthful.
“This handsome man lights up the beach,” she says.
If looks could kill…ABC
“Look at me, staying up late for you,” she purrs.
“I just want someone who’s, like, the vibe,” she adds.
Justin is equally confused, especially when he spies Rodney and Lace smooching on the beach.
Shanae scolds Logan.ABC
“Rodney, America’s hero, and…” He pauses.
“That pairing… That…
I don’t even know what to say.”
Brandon gets emotional over Serene.ABC
“Oh my God, what is coming out of my butt?”
she says, as Jared turns his whole body away on the bed.
Logan and Justin are feeling especially anxious, as the women are handing out the roses this week.
Uggghhhh.ABC
(Did we mention that it’s Justin’s birthday today?
Weird symmetry since it was Genevieve’s birthday when Justin came back from his date with Victoria.)
“I’ve said multiple times that affection is a big thing for me,” she continues.
Genevieve and Shanae.ABC
“This morning, we sat near each other, and we kissed once.
That doesn’t make me feel wanted.”
An annoyed Justin shoots back, “We’re counting kisses now?”
Genevieve does NOT love it.
“OH MY GOD!”
“Are you f—ing kidding me?”
Justin’s all,Simmer down, there’s no reason to get riled up.
“But you’re able to give me a hug on my birthday,” he pouts.
Platonic soulmates James and Aaron, who are watching from afar, are crestfallen.
“Like, what the f— is going on?”
“It definitely shakes my trust…
I feel like throwing up a little bit.”
Even Genevieve can’t believe her own behavior.
Realizing that she needs to apologize, Genevieve heads to the guys' quarters to find Aaron.
He’s in the shower, so Genevieve sits on the stairs outside to wait.
“I’m so sorry,” she says.
“I was not expecting the kiss.”
Aaron admits that his feelings are hurt, but he does seem willing to accept her apology.
“Let’s get some sleep and have a better day tomorrow.”
Guys… do I like Aaron now?
Like, as more than buffoonish comic relief?
I think I might, and it’s very surprising.
Finally FINALLY it’s the next day.
Once he’s done hate-chewing his breakfast, Justin pulls Genevieve for a one-on-one chat.
“I’m still interested in you,” he says.
“I want you to know that I still care about you.”
And this morning he’s greeted with the sight of her smooching Aaron in front of him?
Once again I say, RUDE!
“You’re so disrespectful, Genevieve,” mutters Justin angrily.
In a truly shocking twist, Genevieve huffs off to go commiserate with… Shanae!
Her once mortal enemy.
“I don’t know if Logan knows what he wants,” she says.
“James says he’s all in [after] one afternoon.”
Cut to Shanae picking a fight with Logan.
Logan reminds Shanae that she still hasn’t told him how her date with James went.
(Short answer: Great.)
“You went on the date,” he says.
“You are the one who kind of has the options to weigh and decisions to make.
You have things to feel out and decide on.”
“I’m afraid I ruined everything,” says Logan with a sigh.
Now we’re giving Ashley and Jared a date card?
Nope, I refuse to recap this obnoxious filler.
Hmmm… wonder what’s going on at Paradise HQ right now.
Don’t worry, the Paradise elders aren’t planning a massacre.
Nothing more sinister than that.
Ugh, it’s time, rose lovers.
It’s time for the most confounding and frustrating development of the season so far.
“We’re definite, we don’t want to look at other options,” she says.
“We know what we want.”
Wells encourages Michael to keep his heart open because “miracles happen here.”
(Narrator: No, they don’t.)
Awww, when Brandon sees her all dressed up for the first time, he starts to cry!
Yep, these two are freaking adorable.
Interesting design choice, folks!
The conversation goes as expected “You’re schmoopie!”
“No,you’reschmoopie!”
and ends with mutual expressions of “I’m falling in love with you.”
Now back to our regularly scheduled bummer.
Michael is very moved, and a little overwhelmed, by her thoughtful gesture.
And for those reasons, he’s out.
“I know you could feel me, like, being guarded.”
“And [we can] just be friends.”
Totally get it, buddy.
Right?Right???
It’s Sierra who decides to leave.
THAT’S RIGHT, ROSE LOVERS.
As for Sierra, she handles the whole situation with quiet grace.
“Of course, I’m upset.
I’m sad,” she says.
“I still want him, but I have to respect what he needs.”
Hang in there, girl!
You’ll get ‘em next season.
Boy, what a downer.
At least Jill is taking her Neighborhood Watch gig seriously.
Tl; dr: Jared falls asleep before they can do it.
I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see the next big arrival: Salley!
By some miracle she made it to Paradise.
For now, a few questions for you, rose lovers: What is Michael’s deal?
Do you think Serene and Brandon will get engaged?
And what if the producers just turnedParadiseinto a show where former female rivals fromThe Bachelorettemake up and become friends?
I’d watch the hell out of that, y’all.
Anyhoo, post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradiseairs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
