It’s a beautiful morning in Mexico, and Kendall is teaching her roommates about bird sex.
The more you know, kids!
Another man who’s got a tsunami of wrath headed his way is Kenny.
Kendall on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
Is it “boom-boom room” or “Boom Boom Room”?
I’m an editor, rose lovers these things bug me.
She still wants to be with him!
Tituss Burgess on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“Your rainbow after the storm!”
But here’s the catch: Not everyone gets to go.
Sorry Mari, Maurissa, Tammy, Kendall, Joe, Serena, Ivan, and Natasha!
Demi busts a move on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
(Not sorry, Brendan and Pieper.
You guys suck.)
“This party definitely gives Demi a leg up,” says Mari with a sigh.
Chelsea, Alana, Alayah, Mykenna on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“My hope, selfishly, is that he ends things with her tonight.”
Tammy pulls Thomas aside and tells him to have fun at the shindig.
Hey, that’s actually decently reasoned and mature!
Chris C. bails on Jessenia for Alana on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
Nice work, Tammy.
Did I say “gone all out”?
I meant “rented a light-up dance floor and threw some paper lanterns on the floor.”
Chris Conran and Alana Milne.ABC
like welcome… uh… sorry, who are these people?
[Frantically types names into Google]
Okay, got it.
“I was hoping four guys were coming in,” says Becca glumly.
Jessenia gets an eyeful on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
Oh, crap…
Ooof.
And that’s just what he does, rose lovers!
Find a producer and have her send Jessenia out into the hall while this make-out sesh is still happening!
Mari and Kenny reunite on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
Say it with me, folks: The devil works hard, butBachelor in Paradiseproducers work harder.
Within minutes, Jessenia is weeping in Abigail’s arms.
“Why did I come here?”
Demi on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
Oh, oh, I know!
Because you wanted to be on TV.
“You’re such a sweetheart,” he says.
Alana arrives on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“Both of you guys were on my list, and obviously you were my number one.
And I didn’t, like…
I didn’t think I’d have feelings with her walking in at all…
Stray dogs ftw on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
I don’t know right now.”
When Alana tries to interrupt, Jessenia throws a penalty flag.
“We’re talking!”
Chelsea on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“We’re in the middle of a conversation.”
I’m sorry, are these two women actually fighting over [checks notes] Chris C.?
The man has displayed exactly zero charisma or personality or interest in anything other than camera time.
Becca’s spending more time with Joe on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“You’re an amazing girl.”
Clearly, she’s not buying it.
And to think, she could have had Ivan.
Tammy on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
What’s that, Tituss?
It’s time for “acclaimed singer-actress Olivia Holt” to perform her single “Next”?
(That said, you should check out season 1 ofCruel Summeron Hulu it’sexcellent fun.)
Thomas and Becca going at it on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“I turn around, Chris is mouth to mouth, tongue deep with Alana!”
says Riley, shuddering.
And Jessennia is not going to hang around to watch it any longer.
‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“I don’t want to be here anymore,” moans Jessenia through her tears.
And guess what: Those tears are contagious!
At least Maurissa knows she’s being a little ridiculous.
Chris and Alana on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“Who cries about somebody like this that they met five days ago?”
People onParadise, that’s who.
“I really like you,” she says.
“I care about you, and I want to be with you.”
And you know what?
Kenny feels the same way.
“The feelings for you from the beginning for whatever reason were pretty strong,” he admits.
Awwww… are these two back together?
Looks like a “yes” to me.
Somebody shoot a tranquilizer dart into Demi’s haunch because she’s about to get dumped.
And she knows it.
“I just want a definitive answer from him.”
(Based on what we’re shown, of course.)
“I don’t get it.
I’m such a fun person…
I deserve way better than this.”
“The man is a clown…
He has no honor.”
That’s a good one.
She grabs the date card and heads into the lion’s den.
Jessenia greets her with a warm death glare.
Alana asks Chris C. on the date, and of course he says yes.
The speech goes over about as well as you’d expect.
“Dude, nobody cares,” says Joe.
“Nobody is really gonna hate you because nobody cares about you.”
Even Becca starts making fun of him.
To her credit, Jessenia refuses to move and makes Chris humiliate himself in front of Mari and Abigail.
(You know who else planned the whole thing?
Why isn’t everybody running those two out of Paradise on a rail?)
(You know who else only cares about looking good on the show?
Brendan and Pieper!!)
And he really hurt somebody."
(You know who else really hurt somebody?
BRENDAN AND PIEPER!)
I refuse to recap Chris and Alana’s zipline date.
(Though their inability to choreograph their own make-out sessionwaspriceless.)
At least their lunch didn’t go to waste.
“Can we vote them off the island?”
“Something really does need to be done,” agrees Joe.
“They should just leave.”
(By the way, are Brendan and Pieper still here?
Haven’t seen them much at all this episode.)
Oh great, more arrivals.
At least Becca isn’t too stressed about it.
“You guys, it’s been so fun take care!”
Chelsea and Aaron go horseback riding and have a picnic on the beach.
They also smooch, of course.
“I’ve nevernotreceived a rose!”
she says with a wry laugh.
That night, Tia walks in with a date card, and guess who it’s addressed to?
(Becca, of course.
That was kind of a rhetorical question.)
But first, Becca is going to do the right thing: Tell Tammy she’s after her man.
Though Tammy is disappointed, her response is very zen.
“But if not, who am I to stand in the way of a connection?”
Tammy manages to hold it together until Becca and Thomas leave, and then it’s time for tears.
That’s the way the Paradise cookie crumbles.
Maurissa doesn’t have much sympathy, though.
“Tammy did it to herself,” she says.
“Aaron was all in for Tammy, but then in comes Mr. Thomas.
Shiny penny!'”
She’s not wrong, rose lovers.
James (remember him?)
thinks poor Becca is about to be played by the ultimate “wants to be the Bachelor” player.
“I think that Thomas has found the perfect victim,” he warns.
But it looks like Becca’s having a great time.
Is it me, or did the mariachi band that crashed their date seem EXTRA loud?
“He used me to get a rose,” Jessenia complains.
“And along the way, they were willing to hurt my feelings!”
Natasha, who is standing by the bar, overhears the whole thing.
“Triggering,” she quips.
“Sounds very familiar.”
JUSTICE FOR NATASHA, DAMMIT!
Joe, who has appointed himself Chief Magistrate of Paradise, summons Chris as soon as he walks in.
He accuses Chris and Alana of planning their whole Paradise escapade, but Chris just deflects.
“We’ve gotta start again because that really made no sense,” he says.
And now Riley’s getting involved.
Emboldened by the support, Jessenia takes a few shots, too.
“You lied to me multiple times!”
“So don’t sit here and venture to ask for a pity party.”
Cornered, Chris insists that he and Alana were not in a relationship before coming to Paradise.
“I was trying to find that spark,” he says weakly, but Riley cuts him off.
“You were itching for the clout…
It’s all right, but it’s f—ed up the way you did it.”
Suddenly, a whiny voice comes from the bar.
“Does anyone want to know what I think?”
We’ll let Jessenia answer that question.
“No matter what I say or what I do, they’re not gonna believe it.”
It’s time to go, pal.
Chris is hoping Alana will go with him, but she’s distressed.
“I literally got here, like, 24 hours ago!”
“This is ridiculous!”
It’s a dilemma for sure.
Chris goes to pack his belongings, and eventually, Alana makes her way to the Reject SUV.
(I suppose she’s hoping the Bachelor Interns will pack up her stuff for her?)
This is my car."
Ooof, she won’t even share a car with you to the airport that’s gotta hurt.
I’ll say it again: JUSTICE FOR NATASHA!
“Because Brendan’s honestly being worse than Chris.
He needs to give us some answers.”
Again, I say, EXACTLY!
Should Becca be wary of Thomas?
And am I the only one who googled “Kendall Long wikifeet” after the end credits?
Post your thoughts below!
