First thing’s first, folks: We’ve got intros!
My five favorites:
1.
Brandon digs up a ring
How wonderful!
Brandon’s ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ intro.ABC
Shanae as the Disaster Girl meme
Perfect.
Justin reenacts a group date face
Remember thepainting date on Katie’s season?
Lace gets tipsy again
This one’s a real deep cut.
An inspired homage.ABC/Dave Roth
It’s a callback to Lace’sBiPseason 3 intro.
Drinking to excess still a laff riot!
Logan’s option paralysis
He can’t choose between the Blue Hawaii and the margarita.
Justin’s ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ intro.ABC
BECAUSEHE COULDN’T CHOOSE BETWEEN GABBY AND RACHEL?
With the men handing out roses this week, nerves are already running high among the women.
Well, get your Xanax out, ladies!
Lace, now and then.ABC
It’s time to welcome… Victoria F.!
(Say it with me, rose lovers: The devil works hard, butBachelorproducers work harder.)
Once on the beach, Victoria pulls Logan first, then Johnny, and finally Justin.
Logan’s ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ intro.ABC
“It’s my birthday tomorrow!”
“I’m going to be sent home on my birthday!”
“I truthfully would want you to do the same thing,” he says.
Victoria has arrived.ABC
Mind you, rose lovers, they have known each other for ONE DAY.
Genevieve does her best to keep it together.
Spoiler alert: It does not.
Justin and Victoria.ABC
“I think there could be a promising future with me and Victoria,” he says.
“She told me her love language is [bleep],” he says.
Michael asks, astonished.
Yep, that’s Michael’s hand.ABC
“I swear to God,” says Casey.
“She said, ‘I love [bleep].
Let’s go crazy.”
Sierra and Michael.ABC
“Unfortunately, my love language is tacos,” he says.
“So, I think Kira’s too much for me…
I need a good girl.”
Logan and Shanae.ABC
That’s mighty rich coming from a geriatric millennial on a sleazy reality dating show.
If you were wondering about Jacob’s love language, it looks like it’s core work.
I suppose it’s comforting to know that it’s not only women who harbor irrational appearance anxiety/body dysmorphia.
Sierra shows off her four-fingered hand.ABC
Michael A. pulls Sierra for a chat after her workout.
“Tonight, I want to hang out with you,” he says.
“But I don’t know if you’re vibing with anybody.”
Lace finds a mysterious bag.ABC
“I’ve dated a little bit after she passed away,” he explains.
Is this some kind of symbolism?
Like, “Hey Michael, it’stimeto start dating again”?
This network is owned by Disney, LOL.ABC
“Thank you for, like, listening to this,” he says.
“You’re so sweet.”
I think you know what happens next, rose lovers:
What a wild ride.
Gather ‘round, kids.ABC
“I had no idea Sierra and I would have this kind of connection,” says Michael.
“I don’t know what will happen, but there’s something really good there.”
Hailey wants to pull Logan for a chat, even after she sees this.
“Salley” on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“That could be me right now,” says Hailey with a sigh.
Could it, though?
Later she sits down with Logan on one of the daybeds and tries to flirt with him.
Wells in a wig on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
It goes… poorly.
Are you, uh, feeling good about conversations you’ve had?
“Hailey: “Yeah, I’m just in my shell a lot.
Brittany and Romeo.ABC
“Logan: “Your what?
“Hailey: “I’m in my shell a lot of the time.
“Logan: [confused] “You’re in your shallow?”
Romeo bottoms out.ABC
Oh hey, here’s Jacob with a date card!
Looks like you and Logan have a fun night in store.
Maybe next time… but probably not.
We interrupt this recap to bring you some breaking news: Sierra is missing a pinky!
“I get 10 percent off when I get my nails done,” she announces cheerfully.
Shanae and Logan hit the town for a night of drinking and dancing.
“It’s my time to shine!”
“I do like you and I feel something with you,” admits Shanae.
“I see this going, like, really good.”
Logan agrees, and they smooch over the table.
Jeez, it’s getting late.
Should we send out a search party for Justin and Victoria?
“Tonight sucks,” says Genevieve.
(Apparently Salley and Justin wereall over each other at Stagecoach.)
((Just typing that sentence sent me into a deep depression.))
Don’t remember Salley?
Hmmm… this is strange.
Lace brings Jill and Genevieve back to the room and they proceed to go through Salley’s luggage.
Um, not cool?
“I didn’t know those were allowed,” says Hunter with a laugh.
“This makes me literally not want to be here,” she huffs.
“I hate this!”
Buck up, Gigi.
Gather ‘round the bar, because Uncle Wells has a story that may lift your spirits.
But once said producer arrived at Salley’s house, Salley refused to come out.
“I can’t,” she allegedly texted the producer.
“I have explosive diarrhea.”
At this point in the story, Jill and Genevieve are screeching in disbelief.
“Tell me this is serious!”
The next morning, however, Salley is ready to head to Mexico.
But right before they have to board the plane, Salley makes one last tearful call to her ex.
This causes a big fight between her and the producer “You have to make a decision!”
and the entire mess ends with the producer getting on the plane alone.
Long story even longer, Salley’s bag made it to Paradise, but she did not.
“As of today, she says she’s coming,” reports Wells.
“Is she coming today?
Is she coming tomorrow?
I don’t know.”
This is not what Genevieve wants to hear, of course.
Nor is it helpful when Kira tracks Genevieve down and recounts how Justin was laser-focused on Salley at Stagecoach.
“I think if she gets on the beach, she’s going to be very messy.”
I will not address the stupid gag with Kira and Salley’s vibrator.
It’s just too unsanitary to even contemplate.)
Hours and hours and hours after they left, Justin and Victoria return from their date.
Genevieve sits at another table, stewing, spiraling, and waiting for Justin to come say hello.
She’s also starts trying to talk herself out of liking him.
After chatting with his homeboys, Justin asks them how Genevieve has been doing.
“And actually, it’s her birthday today.”
Yep, it’s past midnight.
Happy birthday, Genevieve!
Still, Justin knows the right thing to do is tell Genevieve the truth about how he’s feeling.
“It was fun,” he says of his date.
“It’s tough.
And I know you don’t want to hear that.”
No, no she does not.
“I’m checked out after that,” she responds.
It’s a fair point.
But Genevieve is just too insecure and stressed out to be able to handle any uncertainty.
“Did I hope you would come back and have a definitive answer?”
They bicker for a few more minutes, and then Genevieve cuts it off and walks away.
Elsewhere, Jill is hoping for a drama-free night with Romeo.
But Romeo is hoping to get some time away from Jill to talk to Brittany.
“But I also want to do this without devastating Jill.”
He goes in for a kiss, but Brittany gives him the swerve.
“Sorry, I can’t,” she says.
“Out of respect for her.”
What Brittany doesn’t say to Romeo at least is that he is 1-800-NOT-HER-bang out.
Naturally, Brittany runs back to Jill and tells her everything Romeo said.
Jill storms off, and Romeo breaks down in tears.
Go to bed, you crazy kids!
It’s late and you’re tired.
The next night, everyone assembles for the cocktail party and rose ceremony.
In the meantime, Romeo is hating life.
“I made a big mess,” he admits.
“I’m so hurt by you!”
she barks at him.
“I just expected basic human decency from you.”
“This door is, like, firmly shut,” she says.
“And I can’t trust anything you say.”
The last few minutes of the episode are spent ragging on Romeo.
Adds Michael, “Watching Romeo operate really makes me question whether or not he went to Harvard.”
The poor guyistotally flailing.
Let it out, buddy.
Let it out and then do better next time.
Okay, rose lovers, you know what to do: Is Genevieve overreacting?
Why is Romeo self-destructing?
And do you think we’ll ever see Salley?
Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradiseairs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.
