The ‘Thrones’ finale unleashes dragons, White Walkers and a resurrected warlord
So soon?
Yes, the end is here.
It seems like only nine weeks ago that the second season ofGame of Thronesstarted.
Credit: HBO
Actually, itwasnine weeks ago.
But damn, those weeks sure went by fast.
Tonight’s finale has miles of storytelling to cover and only an hour to do it.
Wait, what’s that on my DVR?Seventyminutes?
Take all the time you need,Thrones.
So let’s get to it.
Tonight’s finale is full of surpriseseven to devout readers of George R.R.
In the credits we see the great Alan Taylor directed this episode.
(Kidding, kidding.
Who wouldn’t be tempted by the opportunity to direct Chris Hemsworth’s hair?)
King’s Landing:We open to a bleary eye.
He tells Podrickand worried fansthat he’s very much alive.
You didn’t really think Tyrion was dead did you?
Then again,Thronesdoes have a reputation.
Pycelle informs him that he’s no longer Hand of the King.
Yes Tyrion, it’s devious and ungrateful jerks like this that you risked your life to save.
First up is Tywin Lannister, whose horse poops on the floor.
Tywin is called the “savior of the city” and that is accurate.
He rode into the battle with the Tyrells and drove off Stannis.
It was the Master of Coin’s idea for Tywin to join forces with the Tyrells.
He’s given that dragon-wrecked castle Harrenhal where Arya was kept prisoner.
Ser Loras Tyrell is given the opportunity to make a request.
NEXT: Sansa off the hook!
(Or is she?)
Sansa is watching all this like:Whaaaa?
Realize this entire exchange is pure theater for the crowd.
Joffrey, Cersei, Pycelle, and the Tyrells are putting on this show.
And what better reason than Love, True Love?
“I am free to heed my heart,” Joffrey declares, as if he has one.
Littlefinger, as usual, is quick to make a woman unhappy.
“Joffrey isn’t the sort of boy who gives away his toys,” he warns her.
Joffrey still might beat Sansa and have sex with her…and perhaps beat herwhilehaving sex with her.
Littlefinger says he’ll help get Sansa home.
Nobody mentions The Hound, but we assume he escaped.
She’s back after a long absence.
Varys visits in his Jedi Knight robes.
She tries to grab his junk and finds him junkless.
Guess we’ll have to wait until next season to find out what this job entails.
Varys also hinted to Tyrion that he wouldn’t be seeing him for awhile.
Hmm…
Riverside:There’s a lot to like about this next scene.
We have Jaime tormenting Brienne again when they’re accosted by a trio of Stark troops.
They think she’s ridiculousa woman knight?
Brienne takes all three of them out and even Jaime is impressed.
Stark Camp: Robb is in love even, though he’s promised to marry the Frey’s daughter.
“We built it slowly over the years… Yeah, there’s a guy named Jon Snow who might disagree with her on that point.
“The only parent I have left has no right to call anyone reckless,” Robb says.
NEXT: Stannis chokes the witch.
Horny enemies annoy Theon
Dragonstone:Hey, Stannis survived.
And he’s very annoyed.
His lover Melisandre’s psychic flames, it seems, weren’t accurate in predicting his victory.
He starts choking the hell out of her.
“Where’s your god now?”
He lets her goes, then says something I didn’t expect.
He expresses a tinge of remorse about killing his brother Renly.
If I’m Stannis, I’m now thinking:Might you have mentioned all that earlier?
She swears he will be king, though, and shows him some future in the flames.
Whatever he sees, by his expression we assume it’s awesome and terrible.
Winterfell:The castle is surrounded by 500 of Stark’s bannermen.
Theon is annoyed his enemies keep blowing a horn.
“Know what it’s like to be told how lucky you are to be someone’s prisoner?”
Like Stannis, Theon expresses regret at the things he’s done this season.
“You’re not the man you’re pretending to be,” Luwin says.
Theon decides to fight.
He chooses to die in a blaze of glory rather than scurry away.
He rallies his 20 men.
For the first time, he manages a speech that doesn’t sound idiotic.
Grandiose and over the top?
Sure, but coherent and filled with passion.
Even this, Theon’s attempt at reclaiming some of his honor, turns out like a joke.
They put a hood over his head and declare they’re going home.
But will they take Theon with them, or turn him over to Stark’s bannermen?
Luwin rushes over and demands to know what they’re doing.
The first mate shoves a spear in his belly (I gasped).
Bet he would have never in a million years imagined that he’d die defending Theon Greyjoy.
King’s Landing:Tyrion tells Varys about the knight who tried to kill him.
He’s assuming the knight was acting under Cersei’s orders.
He wants guards around his room.
And Tyrion is in for some more bad news.
Bronn no longer commands the City Watch.
His horde of tribesmen have been paid off and sent home.
So much of what he built has been dismantled while he lay injured in bed.
Shae reveals the new Tyrion.
He’s got a nasty cut across his face.
Shae offers to run away with him.
But he wants to stay and she pledges to remain with him.
Okay, so Tyrion starting to sob?
Got to you, didn’t it?
Stark Camp:Robb marries Talisa by a godswood tree, defying his mom and Lord Frey.
Nobody else was invited.
The ceremony involves speaking words in unison and they sound like a bad 1970s Brit rock song.
Still as weddings go, brief and simple.
Way better than, say, a Catholic one.
Maybe all weddings inGame of Throneswill be this easy?
House of the Undying:Dany is determined to go get her dragons.
And, it seems, no door.
She vanishes into the building.
Jaqen H’ghar finds Arya and her companions.
She wants to know how he killed the men at the gate and how to learn such a skill.
Jaqen reveals he knows her secret list of people that she wants deadlike Joffrey and Cersei.
Well, maybe the list is not such a huge secret.
Jaqen must be pretty relieved she didn’t start naming all the most powerful people in Westeros.
There she can learn to be a “Faceless Man.”
She declines, saying she must meet up with her family.
He has her repeat it.
It’s like when an American news anchor suddenly throws out a perfect “Kyrgyzstan.”
He turns back to her and
Whoa!
Now we know why Jaqen is called a Faceless Man.
Wasn’t sure if the TV version ofThroneswas going to go there.
This is how Jaqen got away with killing all those men.
Winterfell:Bran and Rickon emerge from hiding.
Winterfell was burned down.
Great, so now the Starks are not only separated and on the run, they have no home.
It’s left unclear whether Theon’s men or Robb’s bannermen torched the house.
He tells them to go north and has Osha put him out of his misery.
We get a couple shots of Bran and Rickon’s direwolves.
Haven’t seen much direwolf action this season, but the story hasn’t exactly screamed for it.
Hodor has Branin a freakin' wheelbarrow.
Jaqen can change his face, Dany has dragons, Melisandre can see the future.
But nobody can make this kid walk again.
Like a business where Dany could get some Botox and lipo.
She goes into a circular room where there’s a bunch of different doors.
I wouldn’t sweat which of the doors to choose.
You’re in his funhouse, just go with it.
Dany enters…
NEXT: The badass is back; dragon fire!
The King’s Landing throne room.
Only in this version, winter has come.
The roof is in ruins.
Doesn’t it look just like what the dragons did to Harrenhal?
She leaves and exits
The massive gate in the Wall.
There’s a tent.
Yes, Jason Momoa is back.
She turns away from the vision, and finds her dragonsand the warlock.
The dragons wear cute little dragon chains.
That must be really annoying.
Suddenly Qhorin Halfhand gets loose and attacks Jon.
The Lord of Bones lets them fight.
Jon’s protective direwolf Ghost is …
I dunno, chasing Wildling squirrels or something.
Halfhand provokes Jon with the oldest line in the book (yourmuddahis a whore!)
and it workshe slays him.
The Lord of Bones cuts Jon’s binds.
They crest the hill and see the sprawling Wildling Camp.
Qarth: Dany enters Xaro Xhoan Daxos' home.
Seems now that she’s got her dragons back, her entourage is growing again.
She finds her former slave Doreah in bed with Xaro.
NEXT: The horn blows once…twice …
They go to Xaro’s precious vault and find it’s empty.
His vast wealth was a mirage.
Dany seals Xaro and Doreah in the vault together, giving them some Poe-like justice.
This bit I really liked.
Do you think they’ll have sex again before they die?
You know, just for the hell of it?
Nothing else to do in there…
So Dany and her followers rob Xaro’s house instead.
Drogo would have approved.
They hear a horn blow.
They assume it’s Halfhand.
But that doesn’t make sense as he’s dead.
The horn blows three times.
The other men run.
Sam, well, let’s face it.
He’s not really built for cardio.
The first creatures we see are walking dead.
Let’s just use the z-word: Zombies.
Then we’re treated to our first really clear view of a full-fledged White Walker.
He’s riding a dead horse.
The blue-eyed demon looks…amazing.
Once again, theThronesteam finished a season with a CGI image that’s startling and realistic.
The White Walker glares at Sam, who just sobs.
The thing roar-hisses, and just keeps on goingwith a legion of walking dead behind him.
Ready to start Westeros War Z.
We’re left with questions.
Such as: What happened to Theon?
(Yes, book readers, I’m wondering too: Will he be in season three?
But overall, there’s more closure in this episode than I would have thought possible.
Dany got her dragons back (and said goodbye to Drogo).
Robb married the sexy medic.
Tyrion lost power, but plans to stay at King’s Landing.
Jon Snow “joined” the Wildlings.
Arya, Bran and Rickon all escaped their immediate peril.
Sansa won’t have to marry Joffrey.
Be sure to check out our post about Momoa’s surprising finale cameohere.
There’s also someThronesscoop from the producers about season three in that story.
And here’s that season threecast listfor those who missed it last week.
Until then, save the date.
