Contestants feel the pain in a wild and scary two-hour premiere episode.
Three medical interventions in the first three days of the game.
The first two challenges of the season brought to a screeching halt midway through both competitions.
Jeff Probst and the cast of ‘Survivor 44’.Robert Voets/CBS
Only one successful vote cast at a Tribal Council.
All of that takes a backseat, my friends.
It all takes a backseat to what has to be the weirdest opening inSurvivorhistory.
The Tika tribe of ‘Survivor 44’.Robert Voets/CBS
I’m talking about the very first shot of the season.
“Alright Carolyn, you ready…” the producer asked.
(Why the producer was mic’d up in the first place is anyone’s guess.)
The Tika tribe of ‘Survivor 44’.Robert Voets/CBS
“So I’m just, like, talking?”
Carolyn responded, having no idea what to do or say.
So to start on this completely random, goofy note felt so refreshingly unexpected.
The Rotu tribe of ‘Survivor 44’.Robert Voets/CBS
What was the point of it?
Was it to show how these green contestants have no idea what is in store for them?
Because it was amazing.
The cast of ‘Survivor 44’.Robert Voets/CBS
“CAROYLN: “Well, I’m Carolyn.
And not Caroling like you’re going out Christmas caroling.
Do you want me to sing a Christmas carol?
Frannie Marin on ‘Survivor 44’.Robert Voets/CBS
I could do ‘Good King Wenceslas.’
Wait, I don’t know that one.
[Random scream] ACKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
What’s a Wenceslas, anyway?
“PRODUCER: “Um, Carolyn.
Just tell us where you’re from, what you do… you know, stuff like that.
“CAROLYN: “Where I’m from?
Maybe I’m from Wenceslas.
[Random scream] BLOACHKRYGVJHBLKJECH!
“CAROLYN: “Fired?
I’m going to make youfamous.
You’re going to be the very first voice they hear on this season thanks to me!
“PRODUCER: “They’re not going to hear my voice.
I’m not even mic’d up.
“CAROLYN: “You are now!PRODUCER: “Wait, what?
“CAROLYN: “ZQXEVAUBLARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
And you know what I always say: There ain’t nothing to it but to do it.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Hell, Dr. Will got more screen time than poor Josh in the premiere.
And Josh almost died when he was a kid!
That is like sad story catnip for producers!
The season premiere set a land speed record for injuries and proved thatSurvivoris definitely a contact sport.
It was almost as if the contestants showed up andJeff Probstwas like, “F— it.
See ya, suckers!”
Let’s take each of the scares one by one.
Starting with…
Head case
This one hurt.
I don’t mean physically.
Let’s set the scene.
Or if your name was Carolyn and youweren’twearing pants.
You immediately knew it was bad.
You knew it was bad because the show suddenly shifted into super dramatic slo-mo mode.
You also knew it was bad with all that blood dripping ominously from Bruce’s head.
That was a mild tip-off.
As players worked on the puzzle, Bruce felt lightheaded and went down.
I am genuinely heartbroken for you.”
(It does seem, though, as ifBruce may have a happy endingafter all.)
However, we weren’t done with medical scares.
Not by a longshot.
Down goes Matthew!
We saw him push his body to the brink dragging coconuts with Brandon in the “Sweat” challenge.
We saw him making fire, and building the shelter, and finding a crab for dinner.
We also almost saw him die.
Apparently, he dislocated his shoulder and then popped it back in,Stephenie LaGrossastyle.
(Check out the footage I shot of that onHeroes vs. Villains, by the way.
Steph is such a badass.)
Even with his shoulder popped back in, Matthew had problems.
(Thankfully, his beard still looked absolutely perfect.)
I don’t know.
I was an idiot.
The point is, these people are there living out an adventure, and sometimes adventures require being adventurous.
That said, here’s hoping Matthew does not channel his inner Ozzy anymore.
Unless, of course, that means opening up an Only Fans account.
Nor did he know what was to come on day 3.
Anytime you see someone digging extensively in aSurvivorchallenge, pity them.
Big guy like that who needs calories out in the sun pushing his body to the max?
I do wonder how much water he was drinking.
(Again, not a doctor.)
Your team’s totally gonna lose the challenge anyway.
And, unlike Bruce, Brandon did seem to be okay eventually.
But can you imagine what would have happened hadSurvivorhad three medical evacuations in its first three days?
That’s some seriousSquid Gametype stuff right there.
But no, Brandon was fine.Ifhe could survive the vote, that is.
But before we get to that, let’s hit the other two big premiere wrinkles thatdidn’tinvolve medical interventions.
Rage in the cage
I will not be cagey on this.
And I will say this: loved it.
Obviously, that’s not want producers wanted.
And the paranoia and suspicion that would arise out of that would be TV gold.
Which is why I love the concept.
Thus concludes my Ted Talk.
Risk it for the biscuit
Another season, another “journey.”
But once again, a bit different.
What I found intriguing about this incarnation of the risk/reward journey is that the paths were each different.
The reward was not the same for each.
Basically, each player had to reach into a bag of three packages.
Two said “lose your vote” and the third was a secret advantage.
This allows you to secretly inherit all advantages and idols played at one Tribal Council.
You must declare your intention to play this at the voting booth.
Any advantages and idols played at that Tribal Council will become yours with full power.
The last time this can be used is when there are seven players left in the game.”
So they play as normal.
So there you have it.
Straight from the source!
Meanwhile, Lucky Lauren won an advantage on her first pull.
Unfortunately, her Bank Your Vote Advantage is not as powerful as the Inheritance one.
Like I said, not as powerful, but still pretty cool.
That would (falsely) prove she was telling the truth.
To vote or not to vote?
So there was some weirdSurvivormath going on with the Ratu tribe at this week’s Tribal.
Yet only three votes cast.
And only one successful vote.
Let’s break it down.
I guess I can kind of understand that decision.
So I get it.
I have no idea what was going on with Jaime, however.
Jaime also played her Shot in the Dark because… ?
?
?
???
I just left that open-ended because I honestly have no idea.
We saw no indication anybody was targeting her in the least.
Me thinks Jaime just got a little paranoid.
Now, you may say “better safe than sorry.”
To burn it on day 3?
I don’t like it.
I guess, at least technically, she’s not the first one out?
I don’t know.
Looking for a silver lining here.
Not very successfully, I may add.
- Wow, talk about pick your poison.
That Sweat challenge of coconut dragging looked positively gnarly.
Then again, I never in a million years would have solved that Sweat sphere puzzle.
Major props to Brandon, Matthew, Helen, and Carson for getting those bad boys done.
Can she find that even-keeled middle ground to handle both extremes?
- Can we talk about those badass looking sword and shield immunity idols for a second?
Either that or he was about to yell “BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!”
at the top of his lungs.
Anyway, super cool.
- Oh, jeez.
It’s time to make my episode 1 pick to win it all.
I’ve actually been doing pretty well on this lately.
Yes, a zero-vote finalist, but a finalist nonetheless!
There was no medical emergency.
They didn’t have to do a Sweat or Savvy.
They didn’t have to vote anyone out.
We really didn’t get to know them all that well.
Want a fun fact?
My last four winner picks have come from tribes that lost the first immunity challenge and voted someone out.
No doubt that is because they got the most airtime.
But I’m going to swing in the completely opposite direction and go Soka this time.
I actually could seeanyonefrom Soka winning, and I can’t say the same for the other two tribes.
But my pick to win is… Claire.
“Why Claire?”
“We barely even saw Claire this episode,” you may say.
And that is all true enough.
Just a smart move on her part.
And I think socially, she’ll be really strong.
The only question is:What will her catchphrase be?
However, a few notes about some goodies we have coming your way.
You want an exclusive deleted scene from the episode?
We have ahilarious one right here.You want to hear from Probst?
And, as oneSurvivor 44player would say,“That’s showbiz, baby!
