Buckle up, rose lovers.
It’s the day after the night one, and Casa Bachelor is crowded, y’all.
Making matters worse: It’s pouring rain, so everyone is stuck inside.
Casa Bachelor is packed, y’all.ABC
Yep, it’s Man Pageant time!
Not this camera angle, like!
Let’s do this, I guess.
Hostile, tbh.ABC
“So many butts,” moans Tino.
“So many dudes who don’t skip leg day.”
After disrobing, the men field questions from the Bachelorettes (“How would your exes describe you?”
Gabby has no poker face, and it is glorious.ABC
“How many serious relationships have you been in?”
“Hufflepuff or Gryffindor?”
and then perform their talents.
Gabby and Rachel’s first dinner party!.ABC
“I’m Italian,” says Rachel, “But I don’t do canned sauce.”
Good for you, girl.
If you ask me, Jacob has the most impressive talent by far.
Pssst, Gabby! You’re being watched!.ABC
Nowthatis a life skill.
“I gave them a little taste of three things that are important to me,” says Chris.
I dunno, Gabby does not look like she’s feeling it.
Logan and Rachel.ABC
But for those of you who are going, that’s awesome for you guys."
Uhhh… sure, pal.
Our first group date of the season is an intimate affair.
Gabby and Logan.ABC
And in keeping with this dual-Bachelorette season so far, it also gets off to a very awkward start.
Okay, so I’m paraphrasing.
When I got here, like, I felt, like, a connection to Gabby."
The not-so-secret secret is out.ABC
Rachel, bless her, takes it like a champ.
“Of course, it’s disappointing,” says Rachel.
“But I know there are going to be men where I have amazing connections.
Logan gets the rose.ABC
So I really hope it starts to turn around tonight.”
Dang it, Rachel.
When you say things like that, you’re practically guaranteeing that things are going to get worse.
Basically the same person, right?.ABC
Look, now she’s about to walk in on Gabby and Johnny making out!
Someone’s going to have to step up their game!"
Logan, you up for the challenge?
Jordan V. and Rachel.ABC
Logan is a smooth talker, rose lovers.
“One thing I’ve noticed about you… You’re very brave,” he purrs.
“For you to, like, jump back into this process that’s like incredibly brave…
His poker face is almost as bad as Gabby’s, and I love it.ABC
I think we have a nice connection as well.”
Here’s hoping Rachel won’t be disappointed again.
AaandI spoke too soon.
Whaaaaa?.ABC
You’re someone who makes people smile and laugh," he gushes.
“But there’s like a whole ocean under that.”
Does this dude not realize that Gabby and Rachel talk to each other?
Rachel tries to feel the spark with Jordan.ABC
Like, all the time?
“You know, my heart kind of dropped a little bit,” says Gabby.
So, it feels weird."
Rachel lets Jordan down gently.ABC
That’s because it is weird!
This whole “process” is weird!
“It’s truly not worth stepping on Rachel’s toes in this scenario,” she explains.
Jacob can NOT believe it.ABC
Six of one, half-dozen of the other am I right, rose lovers?
Anyhow, on to the week’s one-on-one dates.
Rachel’s up first, and her man of choice is… Jordan V.!
Nate and Gabby.ABC
I will have to keep looking the men upherefor the first few weeks!
(Call itBachelor-inducedprosopagnosia.)
Jordan and Rachel climb into a classic, sky-blue Impala and hit the road.
Nate shares his news.ABC
Producers clearly did not think the convertible thing through.
At least give poor Rachel a scrunchie so she can see the road.
Nickdid this with Vanessaduring his season ofThe Bachelor.
Tyler and Rachel share a moment.ABC
If you recall, she puked, and later they got engaged!
Will things go as well for Jordan V.?
Back at Casa Bachelor, a bunch of dudes are sitting around outside talking about what else?
Gabby comes at Chris hard.ABC
“I’m honestly open to both of them,” says Chris.
“I’m planning to be here all the way.”
Also, he said this in front of multiple witnesses, all of whom look pretty grossed out.
Don’t make them say it again, buddy.ABC
“I think it’s a little presumptuous and disrespectful to Gabby and Rachel.”
And Chris is all,Hell yeah, I said it!
And I’ll say it again!
(I’m paraphrasing.)
Hayden can NOT believe what he’s hearing.
Chris does not offer a straight answer, and the guys rail on him for it.
“This could be our queen.
This could be the mother of our children… You cannot have preconditions to love.
EFF YEAH NATE, THE 33-YEAR-OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEER FROM CHICAGO!
Is it too early to start a “Nate for Bachelor” campaign?
(Don’t answer that.)
I wonder how the dinner portion of Rachel’s date with Jordan V. is going?
HOLD UP what the hell just happened???
I thought Jordan V. was a final four contender for sure!!!
Let’s break this down, rose lovers.
Dinner seemed to be going great.
Rachel leaned forward, listening intently.
But… our Bachelorette just isn’t feeling it.
“Jordan, he is so perfect.
He’s exactly what I’ve asked for, and he’s here for me,” she says.
“But the more the day is progressing, the more I just know there is something missing.”
I wonder if the “he’s here for me” part is the problem.
(She even says later that she doesn’t feel like she deserves to be the Bachelorette.)
She excuses herself to go consult with a producer.
“I… want to like him a lot,” she whispers, choking up.
“But I know it’s not him.”
Finally, Rachel steels herself and heads back to the table to deliver the bad news.
“There is just something that is missing for me tonight,” she says gently.
On this show, that’s usually way more than you’re able to ask for.
You and me both, buddy.
On to happier news: Our second one-on-one date of the week goes to… Nate!
Gabby just invited him over for a swim.
But a word of advice, sir: Next time, go easier on the cologne, ok?
My eyes are watering just watching that spritz-a-thon.
Oh, my goodness, now he’s crying!
“I miss her a lot,” he says, breaking down and wiping away tears.
“I love that girl so much!”
Protect this man at all costs!
Fingers crossed that he and Gabby are a match.
He arrives at the Bachelorette Pad, where Gabby (and Rachel) greet him warmly.
From there, Gabby and Nate climb into a helicopter and enjoy a scenic tour of the coastline.
There’s the Santa Monica Pier!
Hey, it’s the Hollywood sign!
Guys, stop kissing you’re missing the view!
Part two of the date takes place in (where else?)
Gabby and Nate have a giggly, sweet vibe, and our Bachelorette seems very, very happy.
But things are about to get serious at dinner.
Take it away, Nate!
“I’m a girl dad 1,000 percent.”
But she knows that getting serious with a single father puts some significant responsibility on her, too.
Can I be a mother?
Is this a life I want?'”
“But I don’t have to make that decision right now.”
So, give Nate that date rose, woman!
“He really is, like, a true, true man,” says Gabby.
Never mind that, dudes what you should be focused on is bolstering Rachel’s confidence.
Poor woman is spiraling!
Now get in there and find your soulmate.
And hey… maybe it’s Mario!
“Because he’s her First Impression Rose.
It’s a big deal.”
But we’re only a few days in, and so everything and everyone is fair game.
“I do think that I could feel something for Mario,” says Rachel.
Okay, TeamBachelorette, knock it off.
Stop leaning so hard into the “are they gonna fight over a man?”
It’s annoying and condescending.
Gabby and Rachel are grown women and actual friends.
If they have an issue, they’ll work it out.
Also, they’re very different the odds of these two wanting to marry the same man are slim.
It’s a complete blowout Tyler crushes her something like 12-2 and for his prize he gets a kiss.
And she LOVES it.
“I don’t even know why sex is being brought up,” she fumes.
“The fact that Chris is already discussing ultimatums… it’s just extremely upsetting.”
Girl, this situation needs to behandled.
Rachel heads straight to Gabby and reports the intel.
says Gabby, which is the only proper response to this information.
She and Rachel find Chris and bring him outside, and Gabby goes in hard.
Read him for filth.
[Loud buzzer sound] Oh, nice try, Chris!
But that is, as Gabby would say, thewrong f—ing answer.
Rachel, who’s been quiet up until this point, cuts him off.
With that, Gabby lets Chris know that it’s time for him to go.
And she’s not taking any chances.
God, I love her.
“How does this work?”
Chris asks, once they get outside.
“I literally just walk on this direction?”
He wants to have a word with Quincey, Nate, Hayden, Tyler, and Jordan.
Hearing this, Nate stands up.
“If they asked you to leave, just be a gentleman and go.”
Guys, how is it possible that I love Nate so much after only two episodes?
Am I suddenly a contestant on this show?
I might need an intervention.
Oh my god how is it going to work?
HOW IS IT GOING TO WORK?
Oh… they just take turns.
Okay, that was simple.
And as Palmer explains before the ceremony begins, each rose “is coming from both women.”
Godspeed, gentlemen we barely knew ye.
Welp, rose lovers, Gabby and Rachel have narrowed their husband harem down to 21 men.
Who are you liking?
Am I the only one who thinks Logan is a little sus?
And why the hell is “Meatball” still there?
Post your thoughts below!
