Yes, this week brought us an episode ofThe Bachelorettelike no other, because… Chris!
The episode opens with former Bachelorette andperpetual fianceeJoJo arriving to share croissants and advice about televised husband-hunting with Tayshia.
You cant overthink it, JoJo says.
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It is the hardest thing in the world to navigate.
Also hard to navigate:
Normally, this is where I drop off the date card, explains Harrison.
Im going to step away for a few days.
Im going to bring my son to college…
But I brought in a little help.
Dont leave us, Lord Harrison!
No one drops off a date card like you do!
She cant POSSIBLY fill your this is the final rose tonight shoes!
Oh, the humanity!
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Fine, fine, youre right.
Perhaps thats why she chose this very intriguing individual to oversee todays date.
I want it to be very special.
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As fabulous as Franco makes this date activity sound, Zac can tell that Tayshia is a little shook.
As we know, Tayshia was married before, and it did not work out.
Does she really want to do another wedding shoot with someone who likely wont end up being her husband?
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Probably not, but our Bachelorette is a team player.
Start trying on those gowns, honey!
I mean, they are a good-looking couple.
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This is so weird!
A few outfit changes later, though, the Bachelorette starts to have a bit more fun.
Fare thee well, Franco!
I hope they flew you to Pennsylvania for Matts season!
After the photoshoot, Tayshia informs Zac (I guess for the first time?)
that she has been married before and wouldnt you know it?
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Zac doesnt say much about it, though, other than that the marriage lasted for about a year.
Nice try, bro!
You better be prepared to spill it ALL at dinner.
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At 23, he got married, all the while hitting the booze and the pills hard.
I was hanging out with some sketchy people, he admits.
I got arrested, a DUI, and my wife left me.
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That launched Zac into a downward spiral.
I was hopeless, he says.
After spending four-and-a-half months in rehab, Zac is sober and serving on the board of the rehab facility.
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Dammit, I hate when this show makes me emotional!
STOP IT, SHOW!
Tayshia, meanwhile, is very thankful to Zac for Opening UpTM.
Of course, he gets the date rose.
On to the rented Ferris Wheel!
(Also, Tayshia, if youliterallyhave butterflies, you should probably see a doctor immediately.)
Love is a lot like creating art, says Natalia.
You have to really invest in yourself and be extremely open to the process.
that they dont even seem that fazed about having to stare at two naked strangers.
It should come as no surprise to any of you that none of the guys can draw.
Of all of the terrible drawings, I think Ivans is my favorite?
I mean look at this!
And I love that the producers broke out the Black Box of ShameTM for cartoon junk.
From the moment art class gets going, Bennett starts razzing Noah.
Uh-oh… looks like Blake made a phallus out of his clay.
It surprises nobody that he made a penis, says Spencer.
He is constantly talking about sex.
Hey Bennett, Noah calls across the room.
You spell privilege p-r-i-v-i-l-e-d-g-e, right?
Tayshia is definitely not pleased about this petty rivalry between Bennett and Noah.
Dont they realize that the Bachelorette is looking for a grown-ass man?
The final art class exercise is a self-portrait, and the winner will receive extra time with Tayshia.
All the guys attempt to out-vulnerable each other with their artistic efforts.
When its Bens turn, though, he decides to ditch his self-portrait.
I forgot something, he mumbles, before hurrying out of the room.
When he returns, Ben is dressed in a La Quinta robe, and a La Quinta robe only.
I talk a big game, but its hard for me to express my emotions, he says.
So figuratively and literally, Im going to let my guard down.
You guessed it, rose lovers:
This is me showing up for you, Ben announces.
What you see is only just a small part of who I am.
Im so excited to share that with you.
Its a lot, she sniffles.
This is what happens when you start dating realmen.
I just want to hang out with all of you, she says.
The men all pretend to be fine with it, but Im guessing Ben is bummed.
And dont even get me started on Eds ripped jeans.
Try harder, you doofuses!
Gah, get over it, you two!
Cant you see Ed is tired of your shenanigans?
Enough of that foolishness.
Are you seriously going to make me emotional for the second time this episode?
Ben says the only person who knew was his sister, whom he credits with saving his life.
Oh man, something tells me Ben is going to get the date rose…
No surprise there.
The evening does end on a bit of an unexpected note, though.
Bennett is clearly shooketh to his core.
As soon as the Bachelorette leaves, Bennett and Noah go right back to sniping at each other.
Then he adds, The behaviors that I have seen out of you have been juvenile.
Simmer down, boys save it for your two-on-one.
No, the date isnt particularly awkward byBachelorettestandards.
Whats distressing about this involves the world off-screen, which some might call the real world.
Im not saying I know how the show should have handled this.
Presumably, producers didnt hear about these allegations until after the season had wrapped.
The latter option is obviously easier, so I understand why the show chose it.
They scream and giggle and jump at noises both real and imagined.
The feelings arenotmutual, so Tayshia sends him home.
With that unpleasant bit of business over, lets get to the grand finale!
The Artist Formerly Known as Pornstache!
Noah [over-eager]:Howdoesit look?
JoJo [skeptical, already over it]:I dunno.
I crush life under pressure, boasts Bennett.
Noah will realize thats the truth as he flies home to Oklahoma.
Hmmm… perhaps hes a little too confident?
Or is that just what TeamBachelorettewants us to believe?
And one more question: Why did we see Tayshia sitting with two margaritas and a chips-and-guac spread earlier?
Was she just pre-partying hard on her own?
Yep, Bennett arrives with a gift for Noah, which he proceeds to open himself.
There are actually four components for emotional intelligence, notes Bennett, who goes on to list them all.
I think you are deficient in three of those four.
Noah is irked, but Bennett insists hes not talking down to his rival.
I did not have emotional intelligence at your age, he insists.
Oh thank God, Tayshias finally here.
Honey yo, end this!
I like both of you, she begins.
Noahs all, “Fine!
Bennett was mean to me after last weeks cocktail party!
He said there was a 100 percent chance that I wouldnt be with you!
He said I was 14 years old!”
Tayshia has heard enough.
By saying he thinks Noah doesnt deserve a rose from Tayshia?
I dont really get her reasoning.
Whats in the box?
I guess well have to wait until next week to find out the winner of this little showdown.
(Spoiler: There are no winners here.)
Until then, rose lovers, I want to hear from you!
How do you think JoJo is doing as host?
Why wont Bennett stop digging his own grave?
And should we talk about Eazy… or never speak of it again?
Post your thoughts below!
