The Cocktail Party
As you may recall (what is time at this point?
), we endedlast week’s episodebefore the rose ceremony.
We rejoin the guys tonight as they’re milling about the cocktail party waiting to talk to Clare.
Credit: ABC
Yosef is still mad about the “classless” strip dodgeball date.
“It’s definitely, like, showing me some traits of her character,” he says.
“As well as, you know, her maturity level.”
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Anyhow, it ends in disaster.
“I sacrificed a lot to be here,” he says.
“I’m missing out on time with my daughter.”
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Like, who’s willing to strip down butt naked and play dodgeball?
It seems very silly and very immature."
Well, he’s got a point.
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I’m ashamed to be associated with you."
The Bachelorette begs to differ.
Hell yeah, he is!
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“Do not ever talk to me like that!”
Clare says, jabbing her finger in Yosef’s smug face.
“I would never want my children having a father like you!”
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and another “oldest Bachelorette” remark) before stomping into the Reject SUV.
“He said everyone here is just appeasing me,” sniffles Clare.
I’m here to hey you, how about that?"
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She LOVES it, of course.
“Dale is everything that I’m looking for…
It’s not even the second rose ceremony, and I’m so falling in love with Dale.”
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Welp, I guess we’re done here, right?
The guys are understandably annoyed, but unlike Yosef they aren’t gonna cause a scene about it.
That means we say goodbye to Other Blake, Garin (bummer!
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), and this guy, who my hand to God I have never seen before in my life.
A little help here, rose lovers?
[frantically scansBachelorette website] Oh, okay sorry to see you go, Tyler S.!
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We barely knew ye.
Filler Chat:
I mean, I love DeAnna Stagliano (nee Pappas)… but why?
Yep, not weird at all.
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“This might be the shortest season ever,” she says with a laugh.
“To me what matters is the quality time,” she chirps.
“I just wanted to come over and give you guys a head’s up on that…
Sorry to make you guys wait!”
Are you though, Clare?
I gotta say, I almost appreciate how hard Clare is leaning into this diva act.
She’s been in this game for more than six years it’s her time now, dammit!
The guys are, in a word, irked.
Everyone except Dale, that is.
“Honestly, I prefer this,” he tells us.
Nope, you don’t sound arrogant at all, buddy!
The rest of the guys are left sitting by the pool, sipping their drinks and checking their watches.
“Should we send out a search party for Dale?”
wonders Ed, a.k.a.
one of the many men we’ve barely seen since the premiere.
“They’ve been gone for an hour,” Jay informs us.
Finally, Eazy tracks down the missing Bachelorette and her chosen man.
Could we get a hose in here to cool these two down so Clare can answer the door?
“Dale’s here!”
the Bachelorette announces cheerfully, as Eazy strolls into the living room.
Nobody’s buying it, buddy.
Don’t forget to grab a handful of dog treats on your way out.
“Could we, like…”
That’s cold, rose lovers.
But TeamBacheloretteobliges: Ed, Riley, Blake, Jay… wait, Daleagain???
“I was just kinda roaming.”
(Key: “kinda roaming” = “entering room producers told me to.")
And because Clare is the worst, she invites Dale to stay!
And because Dale is also the worst, he agrees!
These two are made for each other.
Chasen, who still hasn’t spent any time with Clare, decides to interrupt Dale’s second go-around.
I might have rewound that several times.
It’s just too good.
Dale’s excuses, though, are truly terrible.
But Dale just hems and haws and stumbles over his words.
“My bad,” he mumbles.
“I was kind of dazed and confused and lost a little bit.”
The rest of the guys are like,Nah, man, that’s BS.
Clare’s handing out the date rose.
Very expected, but nonetheless very awkward.
“This entire day has just been kind of weird,” sighs Eazy.
“She’s been spending so much time with Dale…
I feel like we’re kind of like cast to the side for no reason.”
Jason, who is rapidly becoming my favorite suitor in the bunch, scoffs: “Yeah, right.
None of the [other] guys were f—ing there for her.
It’s all good.”
Thank you for that evergreen GIF, Jason.
One-on-One
Poor Fart Box.
“God, he looks so hot in his hat today!”
“I was ready to game on in the bedroom with Dale last night.”
Still, Clare insists that she’s really “present” for her spa date with Zach J.
No wonder Fart Box can’t relax.
Back at the pool, Zac C. is spreading gossip about Clare and Dale.
“I don’t know what the truth is.”
No, Zac C., you don’t so zip it.
Two seconds later, though…
“Why did you stop?”
asks a flummoxed Fart Box.
“I was right there!”
Girl, we all know you aren’t into this guy, but that’s just false.
Fart Box is understandably confused.
It’snot great, Bob.
“Zach just made me feel extremely uncomfortable,” she says.
“That kind of triggers me, and kind of scared me.”
Jeeves, kindly pull the Reject SUV around!
The guys absolutely LOVE it.
The Bachelorette, though, finds the whole show very distasteful and upsetting.
“So what, I have feelings for Dale!
We have a connection,” she huffs.
“you might’t hate on love, though.
you’re free to’t hate on it.”
Oh honey, they can and they obviously will.
Dale.Why don’t they like Dale?
When did Dale say he was the “best suited” for her?
What else has Dale said about her?And so on.
“To the point where I feel like I’m wasting my time being here.”
Kenny, you are absolutely correct.
“So, this rose…
I won’t be able to give this out tonight.”
It doesn’t feel right.”
Wow, rose lovers.
Shouldn’t she know enough to take a second and consider the ramifications of her feelings onothers?
Could we discuss?"
Maybe she will… next week.
Tonight, though, she’s got tunnel vision.
“If you already got a boyfriend, what the f— am I doing here?”
Here’s your answer, sir:
Awwwww HELL yeah, rose lovers!
Theworst kept secret in Bachelor Nationis no longer being kept at all.
And it won’t be a moment too soon.
Before you go, a few questions: Who do you hope stays around forBacheloretteNo.
What is Dale’s deal, really?
And who do you think wrote those roast jokes for Clare?
Post your thoughts below!
