Welcome toThe Bachelorette: Sisterhood of the Traveling Husband Hunters!
“What we went through with Clayton, it was torture,” recalls Gabby.
Not just for you, girl.
Rachel and Gabby on ‘After the Final Rose.'.ABC
“You deserve this so much!”
“You too!”
Dang it, why am I tearing up at thisagain?
You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.ABC
“I normally go for guys who are, like, taller, more athletic,” says Rachel.
But I want to be with someone who can make a decision.
It’s clear that Clayton didn’t know what the f— he wanted…
Our first prop comic of the night.ABC
I know what I want, and you know what you deserve, too."
AsBachelorfranchise wardrobe stylist Cary Fetmantold me, “They don’t have the same taste in guys.
That’s because Gabby and Rachel are going into this with their eyes wide open.
Loosen that grip, Logan!.ABC
“I don’t trust men.
Not all of them, anyway.”
Thank goodness for small mercies.
Agreed.ABC
Jesse greets the Bachelorettes and officially starts their “journey.”
Our queens are glammed up and ready to go after one last tooth check.
That’s sisterhood if I’ve ever seen it.
Shouldn’t these kids be in bed?.ABC
Here come the men!
“I just have to say, you two look absolutely phenomenal,” he says.
“I feel like the luckiest guy to be here.”
Needs more sauce.ABC
Zach is so nervous, though, that he forgets to give our Bachelorettes one key piece of information.
“Does the luckiest guy have a name?”
That breaks the ice, and Zach ends his introduction with a friendly hug for Gabby and Rachel.
Spanx for men.ABC
Jason (investment banker, 30):“I’ve got to get something off my chest.
Couldn’t he have just said “I’ve said ‘I love you’ to three women”?
Also, his dog is adog, not a woman.
Strike one, John.ABC
Yes, I’m nitpicking!
Sue me I’m an editor, dammit.
Anyhow, Gabby and Rachel seem to think his little joke is cute.
Shirts are overrated.ABC
“He’s my key in,” giggles Gabby.
Aven (sales executive, 28):Our third Californian in a row!
Then it’s Rachel’s turn.
Of course they cast twins.ABC
And our Bachelorettes LOVE it.
“Nice work!”
says Gabby, giving him a thumbs-up as he walks into the mansion.
Gold star for Spencer!.ABC
Uh-oh, here comesJordan H. (software developer, 35) and he brought props.
Okay, fine it’s kind of cute.
“Chris (mentality coach (???
This is Roby acting natural.ABC
(We get it, producers he’s acoach.)
Oh no, oh no, oh no is there a PETA representative on the set?
It looks likeLogan (videographer, 26)is gripping those baby chicks a little too tight.
ILHSM.ABC
“I thought that was a rat!”
BECAUSE “CHICKS” IS A DEMEANING TERM FOR WOMEN?
I’m so sorry, Mary Beth and Alejandra you deserve better.
Aw, Hayden is crafty.ABC
As do the Bachelorettes.
At least Alejandra got her revenge by pooping in Logan’s hand.
Quincey (life coach, 25):“S—!”
This is a totally normal scenario.ABC
the Miami boy exclaims upon getting his first look at the Bachelorettes.
“S to you!”
I’ve been saving it for the right person.“Ohhh-kayyy.
Vrooom.ABC
Gabby, bless her, has the perfect response once Prince goes inside.
Hayden (leisure executive, 29):Hmmm… Also, what the hell is a “leisure executive”?
That sounds almost as fake as “mentality coach.”
Nice work, Mario!.ABC
The Bachelorettes laugh politely, but they do NOT love it.
Time for some more prop comedy and this one comes with a side of heartburn.
Say hello toJames (meatball enthusiast, 25).
Nice work, Tino!.ABC
Nope, but the Bachelorettes are about to get a little taste of Vegas.
Here comesRoby, 33 and he’s a magician.
(He’s also, apparently,Leelee Sobieski’s brother!)
Tea time.ABC
And it’s pronounced ROH-bee, thank you very much.
(The “poof” for his chyron is a nice touch.)
“Hey Rachel,” he says, striding confidently up to Gabby.
It takes two to make a thing go right.ABC
He corrects himself quickly, but the damage is done.
It’s a wee bit cheesy, but Rachel LOVES it.
“He’s my punch in!”
Logan gets handsy.ABC
Hey, has the PETA representative left the set yet?
Because they may need to have a word withJacob (mortgage broker, 27).
That horse doesn’t look physically harmed, but I’m sure the poor animal’s dignity is bruised.
Gabby and Erich make small talk.ABC
Is that corny, or dirty, or both?
(Actually, don’t answer that.)
Twenty-one men down, 11 to go!
Tino’s efforts are rewarded.ABC
Let’s speed things up a bit.
Then readJoeyandJustin’s official ABC bios.
Termayne (crypto guy, 28)strolls up to Gabby and drops a microphone in her hands.
Mario FTW!.ABC
“Oh… mic drop?”
Standing in heels for hours is torture, after all.
And they LOVE it.
Roby, Joey, and Justin, you ride (home) at dawn.ABC
“This might be the best introduction we’ve seen,” raves Rachel.
“What a gentleman,” adds Gabby.
“He’s my pop in.”
Something’s missing here…ABC
It’s a little annoying already, and we’re only halfway through the premiere.
Like, what is the producers’ goal here?
Take it down a notch, dudes.
Anyhow, all the men have arrived.
Let’s get this party started!
Cheers to… oh crap, Roby grabbed them first.
Gabby and Rachel are clearly praying for someone to rescue them and someone does.
Unfortunately, it’s the twins.
“I’m a little bit more of a laid-back, reserved kind of person…
He’s more of a bold, out-there bang out.”
Rachel is excellent at feigning interest, but Gabby God bless her has a terrible poker face.
I love her so much.
Okay, producers you got your cringe-comedy bits.
Time to let the Bachelorettes divide and conquer.
Ryan (clown wig guy) pulls Gabby aside to teach her some official Boston lingo.
He’s even got a whiteboard and everything.
“Ryan is really fun,” says Gabby.
“I feel like we have great energy right off the bat.”
Hayden sits with Rachel next, and they bond over their Florida roots.
Cuz she’s a pilot!)
“I definitely feel a spark with Hayden.”
“His pecs are rock hard,” she reports.
“I can’t stop looking at them.”
Gabby’s a little disappointed in how shy Jacob and all the men have been so far.
“I thought they were going to be kissing all over the place,” she says.
“But they haven’t been.”
Sheesh, what’s a smokin'-hot ICU nurse gotta do to get a smooch around here?
Rachel isn’t getting any action either.
Jordan V. pulls her aside next to show her the dragster he races.
Maybe one day I can show you how to drive this thing.”
There’s a moment of charged tension kiss her!
but instead, Jordan just starts talking about horsepower.
“I thought the moment was right,” says Rachel, disappointed.
“I know it’s only night one, but… Clayton kissed me on night one.”
Sure, it wasn’t the most passionate kiss, but it’s a start.
Meanwhile, Tino leads Rachel over to Casa Bachelor’s interior stairs for a littleexposure therapy.
After a minute or two of small talk, Tino requests permission to lock lips.
“The stairs are already getting a little bit better,” says Rachel with a giggle.
Finally, a little passion for our rose queens.
Time for a quick gossip sesh.
Oh hey, look what time it is!
The First Impression Rose(s) are here.
Cue all the talk about mounting pressure and things getting real.
Which two men will earn the coveted first boutonnieres?
And he’s come armed with some simple get-to-know-you questions.
For Rachel, it’s “What’s your biggest fear?”
(His: Sharks.
Hers: Clowns.)
“I’m very attracted to Logan,” says Rachel.
Slow down, honey Captain Poopy Hands hasn’t made his decision yet.
After talking to Rachel, Logan tracks down Gabby.
(It’s the latter for both.)
“Logan’s great,” says Gabby.
“He’s super endearing.
I feel like we have similar senses of humor…
He’s somebody that I have my eye on for the future.”
Are you happy now, producers?
Both women said they liked talking to the same guy.
(Can we move on now, like?)
Hmmm… looks like Gabby and Erich are getting cozy on the couch.
He keeps telling her how gorgeous she looks.
But you could’t tell because boys are dumb.”
Erich jokes that his mullet isn’t real either and that gets a big laugh from Gabby.
Erich follows it up with a flirty chat with Rachel but he doesn’t go in for the kiss.
“They’re both amazing,” he says of the Bachelorettes.
“I can see how this is going to get complicated very quickly.”
One FIR down, one to go.
“One guy’s really standing out to me,” says Gabby.
No, Erich, it’s not you this time either.
Gabby gives her rose to… Mario!
“I’m kinda pissed to be honest,” grouses Erich.
Suck it up, pal these women don’t owe you anything.
And on that note…Tink!
Tink!Here comes Jesse Palmer with his Butter Knife of Bad News.
The cocktail party is over and it’s time for the rose ceremony.
Gabby and Rachel step outside for a pre-ceremony huddle.
“This is our journey,” says Rachel.
“I don’t see why we couldn’t bend the rules at least a little bit.”
Palmer pops by to say that the Bachelorettes can do whatever they want.
Cut to:
Yep, that’s the end of the line for Roby and the twins.
“We really, really appreciate you guys coming.”
So, whowillget roses?
Look the table is empty!
Holy cow, is the premiere over already?
Yep, because we’re suddenly deep into the “this season onThe Bachelorette” preview.
Let’s hope so.
If that all happens in one rose ceremony, it’ll be brutal.)
Then Hayden shuts things down with Gabby, and that leads to the Ugly Cry portion of the preview.
The sheeraudacityof that man.
Welp, rose lovers we made it through night one.
How are you feeling about this Dual Bachelorette situation so far?
Which guys do you like and for which woman?
Post your thoughts below!
