What do you think of this format change, rose lovers?
Oh, and a lot of other stuff happened, too.
For instance, Victoria wore this:
I just don’t… Is Victoria actually an ancient Egyptian princess reanimated as an'80s department store mannequin?
Credit: ABC/Craig Sjodin
As for Matt, let’s recap week two of his “journey.”
I love a man who recycles!
Hear that, “ladies”?
ABC
If you weren’t feeling desperate and insecure before… for Pete’s sake, get on it!
“I’m very capable of still being happy for someone else while dealing with my own emotions.
I wonder how Matt and Bri are doing.
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Now the Bachelor is dead, and we have to start all over again!
[Pause] What’s that, producers?
Matt and Bri are fine and just laughing their heads off while lying in the mud?
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Even so, the Bachelor feels awful about the little oopsie.
“Bri’s mom, I’m so sorry,” he says into the camera.
“I vow to protect her better from now on.”
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What better way to decompress from a near-death ATV experience than a soak in a wood-fired hot tub?
That’s a 12-pack, all right.
Within a minute or two, they are smooching, and smooching, and smooching.
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Then Matt utters the seven little words every woman longs to hear.
Growing up, says Bri, she was her mom’s whole world.
But recently, things changed.
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You see, Bri also doesn’t have much of a relationship with her father and Matt can relate.
): “To a continued adventure, and to exploring love with you.”
Of course, she gets the date rose!
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(And more smooches.
And a “private” fireworks display.)
Back at the hotel, if the editing is to be believed, Victoria has not stopped talking.
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Like,at all.
Honey, do you evenhavean authentic self?
“It’s like a knife to the heart!”
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Man, this group date is going to be fun!
It’s rainy the next day, as all 18 women (!)
arrive for their group date with Matt.
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And hey, look who’s back!
It’s “Bachelor Nation’s beloved photographer” andArnold Schwarzeneggerlookalike, Franco Lacosta.
(He’s the dude who shotTayshia and Zac’s “wedding” dateonThe Bachelorette.)
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One by one, the women pose with Matt under a floral arbor.
That’s how you do it, “ladies”!
Though it’s Pieper’s turn next, Victoria cuts in line.
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Too bad she has approximately zero chemistry with Matt.
What could this possibly mean?
(“This is fantastic!”
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gushes Franco, snapping photos of the action.)
Lauren, who hasn’t spoken to Matt since exiting the limo, goes first at the cocktail party.
“I want somebody who is a man of faith,” she informs Matt.
But I digress.)
“It turns a lot of people off,” he says.
“You saying that is affirming.”
Great… but do any cheaters announce in advance that they’re going to cheat?
When it’s Victoria’s turn, she opens upTM by telling Matt that sometimes she feels insecure.
That’s nice of him to say, but I still maintain that he’s not into Victoria.
Exhibit A: Victoria has toaskhim for a parting kiss.
Exhibit B:
Lauren gets the date rose.
On to the second one-on-one date.
Sarah the broadcast journalist, you’re up!
Literally, you and Matt are up in the air, flying in a biplane.
“I could tell that Sarah was struggling with something,” Matt says later.
“She’s slow getting started, but I need her to be open and vulnerable.”
Well duh, Matt but you know she’s gotta wait until dinner.
That’s how thisalwaysgoes!
And that’s how it goes tonight.
“It’s brought our family so close,” she says.
“I feel like I just poured my heart out!”
The Bachelor is appropriately moved by Sarah’s story.
“I can’t think of a more selfless act,” he marvels.
It’s an honor.”
Yes, it is.
Now give her that date rose!
When the cocktail party rolls around, Abigail the fan favorite/first impression rose recipient finally gets some camera time.
Missed you, boo!
Hey, and there’s Magi the pharmacist!
Everything seems to be going great.
Then Marylynn sits down with Matt, and the pouting begins.
“This week has been really challenging for me,” she says.
“I just felt like, ‘Man, did I say something that rubbed him the wrong way?
He hasn’t asked me on a date.
Does he want me to be here?'”
How very sweet of him to remember.
(Or, you know, “remember” after he was reminded by a producer.
Tomato, to-mah-to.)
“Marylynn is toxic,” she drones.
“I don’t want to be around her toxic energy…
I think Marylynn should go home.”
Naturally, the Bachelor is concerned.
“I’m really glad you shared that with me,” he says.
“I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.”
Did shereallysay “hurtful things” to Victoria?
“I think that there’s a lot of miscommunication here,” Marylynn begins.
(That’s true there’s Victoria’s reality andactualreality.)
(Great, now I want a salad.)
“I need a break,” she whines.
“You’re too much for me.”
asks Khaylah, as the women wait for Harrison to arrive with his Butter Knife of Bad News.
Speak for yourself, Katie.
TheBachelorproducers would argue that Victoria’s actions wereverynecessary.
Now go assemble for the ceremonial dispersal of roses!
Who will join Sarah, Bri, and Lauren in the Circle of Safety?
Rose ceremony roll call: Pieper, Kit, Magi, Rachael, Abigail (yay!
Looks like Sarah’s having some trouble staying upright.
“She’s going to pass out,” Bri tellsBig Paulie, who calls for the medic.
And with that… the episode is over!
A few things before we adjourn, rose lovers.
(Yes, I hate myself for sleuthing this stuff out.)
Also, am I the only one who isnotlooking forward to more Victoria drama next week?
Stop being a producer stooge, bro, and send her home!
Finally, are you rooting for anyone besides Abigail?
Post your thoughts below!
