Nice try, dude.
Rose lovers, let us pause for a moment to enjoy Palmer’s reaction to this bombshell.
The host recovers nicely, though.
Palmer is shook.ABC
“Okay,” he says.
“What brought you to that decision?”
Five words, pal: Sean “born-again virgin” Lowe.
A protein pick-me-up.ABC
(I’m paraphrasing.)
But there’ll be plenty of time to have that super fun conversation.
Grubs, intestines, seafood, pastries they try it all.
Zach and Ariel.ABC
But Zach can barely keep his mind on the food.
“When I kiss Ariel, my body just gets hot,” he admits.
“Oh my God, somebody turn on the AC!”
Ariel and Zach.ABC
Ariel is feeling equally randy.
“Sparks are literally flying,” she says with a giggle.
Meanwhile, back at theSofitel Krabi Phokeetra hotel, Gabi is freaking out a little bit.
Gabi hits the beach.ABC
“It literally sucks.
I know he’s with someone else…
Right now, I’m feeling a lot of insecurity and doubt.”
Give her a minute, folks!.ABC
Of course, you are, Gabi!
If it’s any consolation, your mental breakdown is arriving right on schedule.
“I definitely am falling for you,” she tells Zach.
Nice handwriting.
“I definitely am falling in love with you.”
Naturally, he LOVES it.
“I can absolutely see a future with you,” he gushes.
Gabi and Zach.ABC
“Like, sharing that intimate moment should be saved for that moment of engagement.”
“So I understand where you’re coming from…
But I want to use this time to spend time with you.”
Zach and Jesse.ABC
That’s a yes, I guess.
That said, she’s heading into the Fantasy Suite with the goal of keeping the romance alive.
“Who knows what’s going to happen?”
Gabi and Zach.
Shall we listen in on their pillow talk?
“You do, like, three different positions,” says Ariel.
“It was, like, the side…” Zach interjects: “Sleeping positions!
Blech.
Sounds like our Bachelor kept his chastity belt on all night.
Good for him, I guess?
After a quick breakfast, Zach heads off for his next date with… Gabi!
Kaity and Zach.ABC
“Honestly, I need to just get out of my own head.”
Today’s date involves a sailboat ride to a private beach.
(I’m getting itchy just thinking about it.)
Kaity and a producer.
Still, Gabi needs a minute to compose herself behind the safety of some palm fronds.
“I feel very stupid and foolish, and I hate this,” she sobs.
“I feel disgusting.
Zach and Kaity.
I feel all sorts of things.
Why can’t I be happy?”
Awww, this makes me sad in part because it’s so relatable.
Kaity, Ariel, and Gabi.
Women of the world, why are we so hard on ourselves?
Eventually Zach comes to check on her, and Gabi just lays it all out there.
“I’m just so overtired and so emotional,” she says.
Is that a threat?.
“I’m just a human…
It’s hard!”
He comforts her for a while longer, and then they head into the ocean to make out.
By the time dinner rolls around, Gabi is feeling a lot better.
“I feel safe to tell him that I am falling in love with him,” she says.
“And I know he’ll want the Fantasy Suite.”
Well… yes and no.
But more on that in a minute.
Zach breaks out in a big, goofy grin and then leans in for a kiss.
You know what comes next, rose lovers:
Okay, Zach.
Is it, though?
Gabi isn’t sure.
“Sex is important in a relationship,” she says.
“Did I think I was going to get engaged to somebody that I’ve never had sex with?
Probably not,” she continues, laughing.
“But we’re gonna work on it later.
I won’t venture to seduce you.”
You probably won’t have to, honey.
“He’s saving it for the right person, which means he’s not test-driving anything.
He knows he wants a Porche.”
That’s right, girl you’re a luxury vehicle.
Don’t ever forget it.
Once inside the room, Gabi notes how large the bed is.
“Lots of room for activities!”
Within minutes they’re lying down on it and making out.
“Zach says he’s not having sex, but I don’t know,” she muses.
“Maybe he will.”
Cut to:
Looks like they had a good night.
But… how good?
Get in here, man!
“It went really great with Gabi,” Zach begins.
“But remember our conversation this week, taking sex off the table?
It changed with Gabi and our overnight.
We both agreed and wanted to have sex together, and it was very special…
I feel terrible because I’ve essentially, like, gone against my word.”
Yes, yes you have.
“But it came from a good place,” says Palmer.
(Not an ideal choice of words, sir!)
(Sorry, another not-great choice of words.)
(He leaves the “dude, that is a really terrible idea” part unspoken.)
Yes, Zach wants to confess it all.
The guy is so nervous he can barely string together a coherent sentence.
“I didn’t realize you were so bothered,” she says.
“I just took it as it was between us.”
Girl, you know this is airing on television, right?
It was ALWAYS going to be public!
“I can see a future with you,” he adds.
“You’re someone that would be awesome to go through life with, too.”
Somebody get a pen this is wedding-vow gold!
Unrelated: Someone needs to ask housekeeping to dust the hanging light in Gabi’s room.
She and Zach meet in a Thai mangrove forest, which they’ll be exploring via canoe.
They smooch for a while and then Zach reluctantly launches into his speech.
And I shared that with the other women going into the week,” he says.
“And, um, like, a lot has changed and evolved…
I have been intimate this week.”
The camera zooms in on Kaity’s face as Zach talks.
Her expression doesn’t give much away at first, but slowly her eyes begin to fill with tears.
“Like, I knew…” Her voice breaks.
“It sucks obviously to, like, think about it.
Um…” She pauses again to gather herself.
“I just figured that was the case, but, like, you just telling me and confirming…
Honestly, I could’ve went without hearing that.”
This is why we don’t set unrealistic goals for ourselves in the Fantasy Suites, Zach!
Like I said, lose-lose.
“I’m not happy, obviously,” Kaity continues.
“It’s weird…
It’s gonna take me a minute.”
Yeah, give her some space, bro!
“He says sorry, but why are you sorry?
You’re not sorry you did it,” Kaity continues.
“What are you sorry for?
You’re sorry for the way I’m feeling?
You know I’d feel this way.
You know I wouldn’t be like, ‘Hey, give me a high-five, pal!'”
Kaity isn’t hiding her feelings with Zach, either.
“I was so excited to have this day together,” she laments.
“I know the gist of this week…
It just kind of was like rubbing salt in the wound a little bit.”
The Bachelor clearly feels awful for making her feel bad, and he starts scrambling.
That’s not what Kaity needs to hear right now.
She’s mad, let her be mad.
“How am I supposed to spend the rest of the night with him?”
“All I’m gonna think about is that!”
Alas, Kaity does not skip dinner and leave Zach to ignore the food all by himself.
(Weirdly, the dinner takes place in what looks like the Fantasy Suite itself.
Instead, “The opposite happened.”
“I used to rat on myself on myself as a kid,” he says.
Catholic guilt had me!"
In other words, Zach told Kaity the truth to make himself feel better at least he admits it.
“It is all worth it.”
And yes, Kaity accepts Zach’s Fantasy Suite invite.
Flash-forward to… the rose ceremony?
No morning-after cuddles with Zach and Kaity?
No side conversation between where Zach tells Ariel about his Fantasy Suite faux pas?
Huh, that’s odd.
Welp, let’s get to it, then.
Everyone looks lovely, and very bright.
“I don’t know if I want this rose right now.”
“That was the biggest mistake I could have done,” he says.
“I’ve caused pain.
I’ve made mistakes, and I’m so sorry for that.”
Rose ceremony roll call!
The final two are: Kaity and Gabi.
So sorry, Ariel.
(If it’s any consolation, you lookincredible.)
Zach walks her out to the Bye-Bye Bench, where they share a heartfelt and melancholy farewell.
“Thank you for making it easy for me to open up,” she whispers.
“Thank you for beingyou,” he replies.
“Thank you for everything.”
Back at the rose podium, Kaity commiserates with Gabi though it almost sounds like a threat.
“F—ingScarlet Letterover here.”
Yes, rose lovers, a contestant onThe Bachelorjust made a reference to classic 19th century literature.
When Zach gets back from saying goodbye to Ariel, he hugs the two remaining women.
Gabi, however, isn’t feeling the love.
Rose lovers, can you feel the excitement?
(Or maybe that’s just relief.)
Would you like to see Ariel in Paradise or is she too good for that wretched beach?
And why do you think those monkeys were trying to mug Kaity?
Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
