A trip to London turns into quarantine hell for Zach and the ladies this week on The Bachelor.
It took two years and six seasons, but Queen Coronavirus finally came for the lead of aBachelorfranchise.
What followed was an episode that was surreal, sublime, and gloriously ridiculous.
London calling.ABC
Three words, rose lovers: “Virtual cocktail party.”
“Pip pip, cheerio!
We are in London Town!”
Greer’s teacup tattoo.ABC
announces the Bachelor in his obligatory This is The Perfect Place to Fall in LoveTM introduction.
“My goal for this week is to focus on the romantic connections.”
Are you familiar with the saying, “We plan, God laughs”?
Zach and Gabi ride in style.ABC
You will be soon.
Instead, the date goes to… Gabi!
she squeals, clapping her hands.
Edward doesn’t get paid enough for this.ABC
With that, Gabi heads out for her date, leaving a group of disappointed women behind her.
“I’m feeling defeated,” sighs Greer.
She got the First Impression Rose, darn it where’s her one-on-one date?
Corgis on parade.ABC
Zach picks Gabi up in a Rolls Royce limo.
It’s so fancy it even comes with its own mini-fridge!
It’s all about luxury.
She’s got that post-shopping spree glow.ABC
“Today, Gabi and I are literally living like royals!”
Nope, they’re going shopping!
Up first is theFloris Londonperfumery, an establishment that has created scents for the royal family.
Charity consoles Greer.ABC
Oh man, do I feel for poor Edward.
But now for the most exciting surprise:
Corgis from the “royal bloodline”!
Sadly, Gabi and Zach don’t get to keep one.
Zach and Gabi.ABC
He gushes over each one, which makes Gabi feel pretty without even having to look in a mirror.
“Body image is something I’ve struggled with,” admits Gabi.
“But Zach is making me feel beautiful.“Awwww.
Mercedes is sad.ABC
“Hey guys,” she says with a sheepish chuckle.
Ugh, I hate seeing Charity cry!
“That one cut deep, because I told Zach how much I love tea,” she moans.
Bad news from Zach.ABC
“I’m trying to hold it in,” she whispers to Charity.
“It’s really hard.”
Too hard, as it turns out.
Kylee isn’t loving the bus tour.ABC
Greer finally gets up abruptly and walks out so she can cry in peace.
Charity goes after her, hoping to offer some comfort.
“Greer is having a moment right now,” she says.
Would definitely watch.ABC
“She is reacting pretty heavily to not getting the one-on-one date.”
(Side note: Watch the video clip at the top of the post to seeFrankenbitingin action.
For whatever reason, TeamBachelorused Charity’s quote about Greer forthe preview clip they released about Mercedes' meltdown.
YOU get a petal! YOU get a petal! Everybody gets a petal!.ABC
They also trimmed out the Charity one-on-one reveal, which makes a bit more sense.)
Look at Charity being such a good friend!
I truly hope producers will consider this woman for Bachelorette.
Don’t cry, queen.ABC
Turns out Greer is sitting right in front of Gabi’s room awkward!
Eventually, Gabi is able to go inside and get all gussied up for dinner with Zach.
A toast to twentysomethings in formalwear!
A hallway heart-to-heart.ABC
That said, the Bachelor knows that all this extravagance and luxury does not a healthy relationship make.
“I want something real.”
(She does not give specifics, which is totally her prerogative.)
Dating in the Covid era.ABC
Both Zach and Gabi agree that it’s the “little moments” that matter most in a relationship.
Back at the hotel:Knock knock knock!There’s an Accent Table of Doom at the door!
That means Charity finally gets her one-on-one date.
Charity with her gift.ABC
Like Greer, she heads out into the hall to have her breakdown.
“I just don’t feel seen.
It’s such a horrible feeling.”
Virtual insanity.ABC
Meanwhile, Gabi gets the date rose, which she accepts with a smooch.
(Spoiler: I’m old.)
But suddenly knock knock knock!
FaceTime fail.ABC
another date card arrives at the door.
Kaity, would you just do the honors?
The note reads, “Good morning, ladies.
Palmer listens intently.ABC
I have a great date planned for you all.
Go enjoy, and I’ll see you soon.”
So… they’re going on a group date with no date?
A true fever dream.ABC
Kylee is particularly salty.
“You weren’t too sick to stay up all night with Gabi,” she grouses.
“You’re not going to be too sick to go on a one-on-one with Charity tomorrow.”
Zach and Mercedes.ABC
Don’t be so sure, honey.
(More on that later.)
Anyhoo, all aboard the double-decker bus for the “Journey to Love” tour!
Case in point:
It gets worse, rose lovers.
Way to represent the US, ladies!
Could it be Zach?
Has he emerged from his sickbed?
This gentleman is just here to deliver a message from Zach.
Kat’s crying, Kaity’s crying, Mercedes is crying jet lag plus disappointment equals tears.
Greer starts joking about the rose (“Does anyone want a petal?
“), which prompts Kaity to begin plucking and distributing petals to her brokenhearted pals.
It’s pretty sweet, actually.
“It sucks just being in London, missing the women,” he says.
“This is a pivotal point where I’m missing an opportunity to progress relationships.”
But will he miss his one-on-one date with Charity tomorrow?
Awww, now she’s crying I hate seeing her cry!
Alas, the next morning, the only man who walks into the women’s hotel suite isJesse Palmer.
You guys, look at poor Charity!
She’s so disappointed.
Ugh, I wish I could give her a hug.
(Side note: Should someone maybe whisk Gabi into quarantine?
Or should we just assume that the virus is already out of the barn?)
The women are stunned and crestfallen.
“So, the million-dollar question now is, what are we going to do?”
The host prompts Kaity to comment on “the severity of this,” because she’s a nurse.
They have a heart-to-heart through the heavy wooden door.
“Not knowing when I’m going to see you again really has taken a toll on me…
I’m just, like, scared that that momentum is going to fall flat.”
Covid is airborne, y’all!)
Oh look, here he is now!
The tablet propped up on the couch cushion!
I literally had to pause the show for a minute because I was laughing so hard.
“We can acknowledge how weird this is,” says Zach with a chuckle.
“I’m happy and glad that you’re doing good,” she assures him.
It’s a dad joke, but it’s still cute.
One by one, the rest of the women have their iPad time with Zach.
Not surprisingly, several of the conversations center on kissing.
“Have you learned any fancy English words?”
Kat asks, perhaps not realizing that Zach’s been speaking English his whole life.
Oh, wait, she’s wondering if he’s learned any Englishslang.
“I learned one,” she announces.
“Kiss is ‘snug.'”
(It’s actually “snog,” but why quibble?)
Truly, what is this show?
“I just feel for you,” she says.
As you’re able to see from Zach’s face, he does NOT love this analogy.
“I think I really upset him,” she frets later in a confessional.
“What I said really rubbed him the wrong way and it was obvious…
I have this feeling that I’m going home tonight.”
Well, there’s only one way to find out.
It’s almost time for the most socially distanced rose ceremony…
But first, Jesse sits down with Zach for a pre-ceremony heart-to-heart.
You guys, I’m sorry, but I cannot stop laughing at this.
Zach, however, is pretty emotional about having to dump people remotely.
“That’s where I have a hard time.”
Yep, it’s a lose-lose situation for everyone.
Welp, it’s time.
Let the virtual rose ceremony commence!
I was truly hoping that Palmer was going to walk in holding a laptop with Zach on the screen.
Instead, he beams in on the TV.
“Can you see me?”
he asks the ladies.
Indeed, they can!
The video feed works and he’s not even accidentally muted.
It’s a Zoom miracle!
It’s as awkward as it sounds.
Rose ceremony roll call!
Kaity, Charity, Aly, Kat, Brooklyn, Jess, Ariel, and Greer (!)
join Gabi in the Circle of Safety.
Take a moment and drop your goodbyes in the chat, ladies.
“And I couldn’t do that because it was through a frickin’ screen.”
Tough break, honey.
Well, rose lovers, that was something.
What did you think of the virtual shenanigans?
Are you surprised Greer got a rose after her “cocktail party” gaffe?
And would you rather be dumped by text or video chat?
Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m.
