Holy cow, it’s season 26 ofThe Bachelor, rose lovers.
Do they seriously expect us to believe that these are four different women?
I don’t think so.
Clayton has a type, I guess.ABC
Welcome to week one of Clayton Echard’s “journey.”
That said, Kelly does seem happy for her boy.
Let’s not spend much time on the Get to Know Clayton segment.
Clayton and his mom.ABC
; he has very white teeth; and he, too, used to be a football player.
Let’s meet Clayton’s potential wives!
“I want it, I’m gonna get it.”
Shanae eats a donut.ABC
“I can’t wait to meet him and touch him,” she gushes.
“He’s just so muscly.”
That he is, Gabby.
Gabby does some day drinking.ABC
That he does, Rachel.
If you say so, Daria!
Now all she needs is her “person.”
Rachel and her ride.ABC
And when I say “recently,” I meanreallyrecently.
Perhaps you’ll come to your senses.
“This weekend has been extremely hard for me,” she tells the Bachelor.
Daria daydreams about love.ABC
“I was supposed to get married yesterday.
The proper response to this is, “Thanks for telling me, Salley.
Obviously, you need more time to heal emotionally before you embark on another serious relationship.
Susie takes her opponent down.ABC
Let me walk you to the Self-Elimination SUV.”
Instead, Clayton does this:
Oh, FFS.
Come ON, Clayton.
Elizabeth rocks some Daisy Dukes.ABC
You don’t have to do EVERYTHING the producers ask you to do!
Because you held her hand for 3 minutes on a hotel couch?
Because like you, she looks like shewas carved out of cream cheese?
Teddi is saving herself for the right guy.ABC
Get it together, pal!
“I want to accept it so bad.
I do,” she frets, before heading outside to call someone (her mom?
!!!!!!!.ABC
After some tearful deliberations with a producer, Salley makes the right choice.
Though he’s disappointed, Clayton thanks Salley for her honesty and walks her to the door.
“That was tough,” he says.
Salley prepares to say goodbye.ABC
“The first rose I have given out as the Bachelor was rejected…
This is not the way I was hoping to start my journey to find love.”
And that’sexactlywhy the producers had you offer her the rose, buddy!
“Uh… they told me to give you this.".ABC
Whatever, get in the limo, Clayton.
Your “journey” is about to begin.
Send in the limos!
Ency speaks two languages, which is two more than Clayton.ABC
Okay, that’s cute.
I’ll allow it.
Lyndsey W., 28:Blonde.
Cute dress, Serene.ABC
An industrial sales rep from Houston.
Um… that’s all I’ve got.
Clayton seems into it.
He’s totally that “math lady” meme right now.ABC
She’sdefinitelytoo smart for this guy.
“Did you feel the electricity between us?”
she asks, laughing.
Clayton is loving life.ABC
Here’s hoping Susie breaks out a Whoopee Cushion at the cocktail party!
Probably a good choice, honey.
Up next:
Serene?
Kate came prepared.ABC
Is that really a name?
Anyhow, love her dress, love her smile, love those earrings.
Teddithe 24-year-old nurse is next.
Jill breaks the ice with a death threat.ABC
“You are beautiful,” gushes Clayton.
He continues gushing as she walks into the mansion.
“I don’t even have words for her.
JFC.ABC
Teddi, you make me feel some punch in of way!”
Okay, looks like we might have a First Impression Rose contender, folks.
It’s not a riddle, dude!
Honestly, Holly could have a shot.ABC
Lindsay D., 27:Another nurse!
Did Clayton tell producers he has a thing for caregivers or something?
Clayton, what are you doing?
I guess Bar Mitzvah dancers aren’t very chatty.ABC
You’re not supposed to be inside the mansion yet!
Then she reaches inside her dress, and…
Oh,thosenips!
Good one, Kate.
So… did she have that sausage with her in the limo the whole time?.ABC
Also, props to wardrobe for figuring out how to stash mini-liquor bottles in that low-cut halter dress.
Sierra, 26:She’s a recruiting coordinator from Texas, and she’s also a sci-fi fan.
“Don’t freak out, but I’m your wife,” she informs Clayton.
Someone alert PETA.ABC
“I just got back from the future, okay?
You end up choosing me anyways, so do you just want to get out of here?”
Dating?Where Sierra’s going, they don’t need dating.
Brrrrrr.ABC
Outside, women are hoping to prove her right.
We’ve reached the “wacky entrances” portion of the evening, rose lovers!
Hailey, 26(another nurse!)
The night’s first kiss.ABC
“These are the ashes of my ex-boyfriends,” she says.
“I brought them here just in case you make the same mistake.”
Ah, who doesn’t love murder humor?
This looks like the opening scene of a porno.ABC
(He LOVES it.
)Jane, 33(social media director) drives up in a vintage car.
“But I like to consider myself vintage, like a classic car.”
Aw HELL no.ABC
SHE IS 33-YEARS-OLD, PEOPLE.
Even Clayton seems confused.
“She’s a cougar?”
Three’s a crowd.ABC
he asks, perplexed.
No, sir, SHE IS NOT.
Hold up who is this foxy single?
Does not compute.ABC
Fortunately, she’s brought along another woman who is a bit more age appropriate:Rachelthe flight instructor!
Ivana, the 31-year-old bar mitzvah dancer, gives Clayton the silent treatment.
It’s a high-risk, high-reward strategy.
Truth bomb.ABC
We’ll see if it pays off.
(Spoiler: It does not.)
), shows up wearing a cowboy hat.
Teddi FTW!.ABC
(Surprised this made it by the censors, tbh.
That poor snake really wants to get the hell outta there.
Next up isSamantha, 26, an occupational therapist from San Diego.
Get the poor girl a robe nights are chilly in the California mountains!
Shanae’s here, everyone!
Now the party can start.
“That was not planned,” he chuckles, blushing.
The ladies LOVE it.
“Clayton seems so sweet.”
Elizabeth is next, and she’s got a small, black-and-white photo of her great-grandparents with her.
First of all, Elizabeth: No, it doesn’t.
Second of all: How are you just handing this century-old family heirloom to a total stranger?
Oooh boy, here comes Teddi.
Clayton just LOVES it.
“There’s just something about you,” he says.
“I’m so happy that you’re here.”
The poor guy is completely tongue-tied around her.
“This is wild, but…
I think, um… Just kiss her, you dope.
The two of them are still smooching when one of the contestants (Cassidy?
I dunno, she’s blonde) notices and alerts the other women.
Shock and dismay ripple through the group.
“Oh my God!”
“They’re kissing!”
“Someone stop them!”
Only Clare seems unfazed: “Game on, bitches!”
Time to tamp down what’s left of your pride and go for it, ladies.
Now let’s see if we can make it beat a little bit faster.”
With that, the scramble is on.
Every woman there wants to be the next one to swap spit with the Bachelor.
Eliza asks Clayton in German, and he obliges.
“Du bist ein gutter kusser,” she giggles.
(That’s “you’re a good kisser” in German.)
Claire tries to ignore Mara, but the situation is just too awkward for Clayton.
Mumbling something about a “rematch,” the Bachelor walks away with the lady in red.
When Claire gets back to the living room, the ladies ask her how her chat with Clayton went.
“Not the vibe,” she says, shaking her head.
“He’s 100 percent too nice for me.”
Claire’s fellow contestants are shocked shocked!
Can we get a medic to check on Ency it looks like her head is about to explode!
And Claire’s not done trash-talking the Bachelor.
“He sucks,” she drones.
“I can’t be with, like, [bleeping] America’s sweetheart…
I hated him.”
Do I really need to tell you that one of them runs off and tattles to the Bachelor?
Man, first Salley rejects Clayton’s rose and now Claire is walking around shouting that she hates him?
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say maybe producers overestimated this guy’s appeal.
He’s all, “Um, do you hate me?”
(I’m paraphrasing.)
Having kicked Claire to the curb, the Bachelor returns to the main room and addresses the assembled ladies.
When no one else raises their hand to leave (LOL), Clayton resumes his cocktail party courtships.
But the First Impression Rose goes to…
Called it!
The sun may be coming up, but you have miles to go before you sleep.
Rose ceremony roll call!
(And you know what really sucks?
None of them are likely to get a spot onParadise but Claire probably will.)
We made it, rose lovers!
Does it bug you that the show has (apparently) already given away the final three women?
Thumbs up or thumbs down on Jesse Palmer?
And finally, WHERE IS THE SNAKE GOING TO SLEEP?
Post your thoughts below!
