The so-called “boring Bachelor” began his “journey” to find love with 30 women.
Boring is in the eye of the beholder… right?
“I know some people are saying, why me?”
Sean Lowe, still dreamy after all these years.ABC
says Zach in his intro package.
Yes, they are, pal!
Did you know he played bass guitar in a high school band called Public Disturbance?
Pretty sure this is Katherine. Too many of these women look alike.ABC
Or that his DJ name in college was Berzachy?
No, you didn’t.
In other words, he said she was being fake when the cameras wereoff.
Christina and her daughter.ABC
It didn’t make sense to me then, and it doesn’t make sense to me now.
(Yes, I need to move on.)
It’s America’s Favorite Bachelor, Sean Lowe!
Pretty in pink.ABC
He’s here to add a little personality to the proceedings and to give Zach his official Bachelor imprimatur.
Sean advises Zach to keep an open mind as he meets his potential wives.
“Maybe the girl out there is not necessarily your ‘pop in,'” he says.
Greer is giddy.ABC
He then mangled her name as “Bailen,” and she did NOT love it.
Still, she’s “excited” to get to know Zach better.
Katherine, 26Registered Nurse from Tampa
“I date for purpose,” says Katherine.
Brooklyn and her buddy.ABC
“I’m dating to find a husband eventually.”
Well, statistically speaking, Katherine, you’re probably on the wrong show.
Her mom is Irene Mandrell, singer and sister of country music legend Barbara Mandrell.
Brianna clutches her prize.ABC
Christina has an adorable and sassy five-year-old daughter, but she’s still “down to have more kids.
The goal for me is to get married.”
Sounds good, girl.
Come on, she looks just like Katherine!.ABC
Greer, 24Medical sales rep from Houston
Hmmm… someone’s already getting the ditz edit.
(Though maybe there was no editing required.)
She also gives us the first “him and I” of the season.
Blech.ABC
Um…isn’tit a full-time job?
It sure seems like one onYellowstone.
(Side note: Zach met her on the liveBachelorettefinale, too.)
Davia pours the bubbly.ABC
Of course, she will need to convince Zach to keep her around in future weeks.
Kaity, 27ER Nurse from Austin
Another nurse!
We love to see it.
Chug! Chug! Chug!.ABC
Her last ex cheated on her, but she’s fully healed and Ready to Find LoveTM.
“It’s actually pretty good!”
Thank goodness for small favors, I guess.
How do you solve a problem like Viktoria E.?.ABC
With that out of the way, it’s time to unleash the limos.
Out first isJess, a 23-year-old e-commerce coordinator (?)
She’s clearly very nervous and has a brief “where do I stand?”
Meeee-ow!.ABC
panic attack upon exiting the limo, but it’s pretty endearing.
“I have a million emotions going on,” she confesses to Zach, and he LOVES it.
“Wow, great start,” he says as she walks inside.
Bailey gets the first smooch.ABC
“Very pretty.”
Ariel, a 28-year-old marketing executive from NYC is next.
“I missed my flight to get here, my suitcase broke, my dress even ripped!”
How cute is he?.ABC
“But nothing was going to stop me from coming.
“Charity, who looks lovely in her sparkly magenta gown, emerges from the limo next.
After that comesDavia, 25 (marketing manager from Charleston), and she brought booze!
We get it, Brianna! You have a rose!.ABC
I’m digging her dress, too.
Gabi, 25, also arrives bearing a gift: Maple syrup from her home state of Vermont.
The account executive then demands that Zach drink the syrup straight out of the container.
Kiss count: 2.ABC
“Maple-y,” the Bachelor sputters after taking a swig.
Somebody get this man some water and more Listerine!
“I might have left a bad taste in his mouth,” laments Gabi, realizing her mistake.
Kiss count: 3.ABC
Greershows up with a paper cup of coffee, which she claims came all the way from NY.
“I feel so bad about that!”
“Do you?”
Sexy.ABC
she replies with a coy smile.
Survey yes: YES, HE DOES.
Rose lovers, this was a real kiss, not some quickie peck on the lips.
Kiss count: 4.ABC
And Zach was the one who leaned in first!
“I was not expecting him to remember my name, much less a kiss,” gushes Bailey.
Wisely, she does not inform the other women of said smooch once she gets inside the mansion.
Madison is mortified.ABC
just welcomeKaitythe ER nurse, who decides to introduce herself by telling Zach he has a large penis.
No, I am not joking.
The sound of crunchy sequins precedesGenevie, a 26-year-old neonatal nurse from Baltimore.
Kiss count: 6 (if you count Madison).ABC
“), and thenVanessa, 23, brings the Mardi Gras vibes.
I feel like this technically qualifies as assault?
Not cool,Lekha(29, financial advisor from Miami).
Kiss count: 7.ABC
Not cool at all.
I’m fully obsessed with the next contestant.
Her name isMercedes, and she’s a 24-year-old non-profit owner from Iowa.
Madison puts Zach on the spot.ABC
Oh, sorry that’s Henry.
You see, Mercedes grew up on a farm and showed pigs when she was younger.
That pounding dance beat can only mean one thing:Christina Mandrelljust arrived on a party bus.
They are all very pretty!
Last but not least:
Say hello toBrianna.
And yes, shehasbeen carrying that rose around since September.
“This is overwhelming,” he tells the assembled women.
(Side note: I’m totally down to eat the occasional Tombstone pizza.
They’re good!)
(Thank God I bookmarkedthis page.)
Not to be outdone, Christina takes Zach to her party bus for a “compatibility test.”
The questions are not particularly relevant to finding a mate (Mountains or beach?
“Givin’ me a kiss yes or no?”
I think it’s possible for you to guess how he answers, rose lovers.
Well played, Ms. Mandrell!
I don’t know why, folks.
Let’s just go with it.
“How many meatballs can you fit in your mouth?”
A lot, as it turns out.
To be fair, Cat allows the Bachelor to shove a bunch of meatballs in her mouth, too.
Props to a contestant who’s not afraid to eat solid foods!
“Tell me, who is Zach?”
she asks the Bachelor.
Loosen up, Brianna!
No one talks like that in real life.
Their chat seems to go fine, though.
lets her displeasure be known: “Jesse, go back to ESPN!”
Neonatal nurse Genevie presents the Bachelor with a baby doll and orders him to change its diaper.
Finally, a sensible test for a potential husband!
Guess what, rose lovers?
The Bachelor LOVES it!
The women who have yet to get time with him watch this smooch from afar.
“I am about to rip the curtains off the hinges,” groans Charity.
Or maybe it’s Olivia M. It doesn’t matter because Madison just took her place.
“I don’t know if I was feeling that kiss,” says Zach.
“It didn’t feel right.”
“The kiss was sub-par,” complains Madison.
“It was literally a peck.”
That’s because you basically strong-armed him into it, woman!
The more she thinks about it, the more mortified Madison feels and suddenly she’s in tears.
“It’s so embarrassing,” she sobs.
“It’s so f—ing embarrassing!”
Kimberly arrives to comfort her.
“You have to remember, you’re the prize, too,” she says soothingly.
“It’s not just him.”
Hell yeah, Kimberly!
“You seem like an incredible, awesome woman,” says Zach.
“I’d like to kiss you.”
Well, get in there, buddy!
Good lord, is it time for the First Impression Rose yet?
Nope, Zach has one more woman to kiss first.
Jess, you’re up!
Ultimately, though, the First Impression Rose goes to Greer.
Tink!In walks Jesse Palmer with his Butter Knife of Bad News.
The cocktail party is over, and it’s time to narrow the field.
Instead, she’s going to confront Zach so she can be humiliated when he rejects her personally!
Zach is naturally a bit taken aback, but he handles it like a gentleman.
“Madison, I appreciate you coming to me right now,” he says.
“My heart wasn’t feeling it, and I never want to force that… You heard the man, Madison!
Time to take that long, long walk down the driveway to the waiting Reject Van.
“I cannot believe I gave up my life for him,” she says through tears.
(Who am I kidding?
At this point, it’s broad daylight.)
(Oh, how I hate to see mySound of Musicdreams die!)
All in all, it was a fairly low-drama night.
(Of course, the supertease for the full season features plenty of tears and girl-on-girl conflict.)
Are you rooting for any of the women in particular?
And ladies, have you done your Kegels today?
Post your thoughts below!
